Unintentionally Uninvited

Over the past few months I have witnessed others and personally experienced the emotional turmoil uninvited/forgotten can feel like. This was something I was all to familiar with when I was younger and assumed it would change as a transitioned into other stages of life. What I have found is now that I am older I'm to old for a certain age group, I'm still too young for another age group, I am now married which means I don't fit into the singles group, I have a child so I don't fit into the without child group, I have a toddler so I have yet to fit into certain mom groups, I am involved in this activity or volunteer on that night so I don't belong to the right small groups, and the list goes on. Here is the reality though, I don't fit into any group because I wasn't born to fit in. Although it is still uncomfortable and still hurts, the concept hadn't occurred to me until I took a break from social media to truly focus on myself, heal from the recent hurts, and repair some of the broken that I realized this. 

The hurt wont go away, the lack of invitations wont cease, the fake friends still wont show up, the real friends will still be dealing with their own crazy chaos and their own struggles in life, and the "community" that is so heavily preached upon will still be so self and circular involved they wont see you standing outside the circle. All that to say it's ok though, because you are left with two choices. You can shut down or show up. Which will you choose? The reality is you and I have been on both sides of the nasty uninvited saga. We have accidentally not invited someone to an event or gathering. We have not done the best job of reaching out to our friends or acquaintances, and we have at some point at least once in our lives failed to show up for someone when they really needed it. The most popular and famous of the famous have at one point or another felt the hurt of being left out or alone too. 

So the question is how do we stop it? We don't remove ourselves from the outside world and wall ourselves up. Instead we submerge ourselves into others. We choose to show up even when that requires more energy than we feel we can muster. We dig in and reach out to others. We create the invitations and hope to not forget anyone! We choose to humble ourselves to put our hurts, our differences, and our pasts aside in order to optimize the opportunity. In life there are no easy ways out, but merely optimization and wisdom. 

The next time you feel you didn't fit in or weren't invited I encourage you to look at the picture on instagram, the tagged people on facebook, the hashtag on twitter and then pick up the phone and call those not included in the ladies group post, the couples group post, the church group post, the mom group post, the friend group post, the whatever group or event it may be and create one in that moment. Again why would you want to fit in, when you were born to stand out (Dr. Seuss)? 

19lbs. of vulnerability

"It's Not What Happens To You That Determines How Far You Will Go In Life;

It Is How You Handle What Happens To You." Zig Ziglar

For most of us we rejoice when we see a pound or two shed from the scale or have a party when we have achieved our next weight goal. For me 19lbs. represents an absolute life change and season of struggle. For the past ten months I have lived on a life changing roller coaster that unfortunately has become "norm" for me.
Every morning I have to pep talk myself into getting out of bed to begin a day filled with job searching. Like several individuals I have become one classified in the unemployed status, not by choice. Unlike the majority due to layoffs or let goes, I make up a small percentage of those who had a MAJOR life change due to someone else's actions. I remember the car slamming into mine, the explosion of what felt like a bomb, and the agonizing pain in my jaw at that very instant. From that moment forward I do not remember the majority of the next three months of my life and everything up to a point is extremely hazy. What I do know is, life changed. The team of doctors deemed it medically necessary for me to leave work for several weeks. This medical decision required me become a ghost to a team that I loved dearly, forced my administration into a position of privacy, and left my athletes and parents with no form of understanding. Upon my return I was still faced with the inability to utilize my mouth properly or have full range of motion which made me unable to coach properly. By the grace of God I worked for an amazing district and faculty that rallied together through the stressful short notice to fill the gaps my absence had left and lead my team onward.
As months passed and the pain became a norm, the mind began to heal and thoughts were finally an intricate part of my day. I was beginning to make coherent thoughts and decisions. I was still lost in this great big world, losing weight daily, and trying to figure it all out. I celebrated though the ability to remember my name, where I lived or my address, where I put my keys last, what I taught for the day, who I interacted with, or whether or not I had eaten that day.
The healing of my brain was the original priority, but once we had reached a safe stage the team of medical professionals moved onto the next part of my body. My jaw, which had taken a backseat was finally the priority and we quickly made surgical arrangements. Living eight months with a bilateral dislocated jaw had been a painful challenge, but I had survived. This procedure was not cheap, along with all of the others I had endured, it too was not covered by insurance. All medical treatment to date have been costly and straight out of my personal pocket.  I am not here to write a pity party novel, but to encourage you to, ENDURE!
On July 13, I had maxillofacial mandibular bilateral jaw surgery. This runs a close first with one of the most expensive and painful procedures I have ever endured thus far. The rehabilitation is definitely the longest I have every trekked through at this point in my life. I have lived 8 months with liquid only, add on another 3 months post surgery and then an introduction into soft solids soon.
The past two and a half months have been some of the most challenging I have ever endured with the inability to provide nutrition through anything but a straw pretty much, unemployment, a new marriage, financial struggles, and well life. I wouldn't change the 19lbs. I have lost or the season of struggle for the world. It is not easy by any means of the word. In fact it is extremely HARD! I have spent many sleepless, tear filled nights questioning God and my purpose/existence.
Here is the reality, I can focus on the struggles which I wrote above or I can choose to wipe the tears from my eyes and see the gifts and opportunities God has given me. In the past ten months I have met an astounding team of doctors who have become more than just medical professionals. Each one of these individuals has chosen to be vulnerable and open up to me with there life and asked to be a part of mine. I have married a god fearing man who has stood by my side and continues to love me through the entire mess. I have been able to stay the night at the hospital with my dear friend Matt as we both endure different battles but fight to have our lives back. I was blessed with the opportunity to take my friend, who is battling cancer, to move their child into the last college apartment ever and I have had conversations with people whom I never would have encountered had it not been for this. With my medical leave and unemployment I have been able to help an office in need of temporary part time staffing out, endure a struggle, and both happily and angrily seek the Lord more than I think I ever have before in my life.
Although this has been one of the most devastating loss of 19lbs. of my life, it has also been one of the most healthy 19lbs. of my life. I encourage you daily to seek God's purpose diligently and to hold onto Psalm 46:10 promise to "Be Still, and know that I am God." The reality is life isn't easy, in fact IT IS REALLY HARD! But you and I both mean something extremely special to someone and bring light into a world of darkness. Don't give up, but keep fighting.  As pastor Brian L. of Life Church says, "Say no to cope and YES to hope!." What are your 19lbs. of vulnerability and how will you handle it?

THE DELAY

The suitcase wheels are screaming to reach their destinations as the silky voice resonates through the terminals and you keep walking by. It's funny how life feels like it's flying by so fast and yet here I am just sitting still. In a strum of a guitar or a delayed flight, life can turn on a quick dime. So embrace the moment and let time stand still. Do something worth telling a story about because in a flash of light your life could become a memory. So dance in the rain or sing on stage in ATX airport with Payton Nicole, whatever it is you choose to do don't live a life that is a story untold.
Last night we came from all directions and states to unify as the core "bro night" group and stand by your bed side to take on life's fight with you. You were resting and looked so peaceful. I watched as my brothers hearts shattered into a puddle of tears and clinched jaws refused to show emotions as I stood in between both of them, hand in hand looking down at you I knew in that moment time was standing still. The hands on the clock reassured me and I knew in that moment you were going to fight like hell to pull through.
My eyes are heavy, the floor is cold but in a few moments I will be on the shore watching the sunset over a still calm seas. I will add to my 48 hours sleepless life story with a smile and the music of the waves telling me to hold on for just one more show. Don't save your applause for the grand finale, but bask in the still small moments worth giving a standing ovation for they might be the last performance you will see.

The STRENGTH behind the deceptive smile

As I sit here observing the photos before me, thoughts racing through my mind of the days ahead I am perplexed. To you these are beautiful photos filled with happy, full of life, flawless young ladies with no care in the world. Your assumption and perceptions are based on what you allow yourself to believe, and that is that we are 100% happy. The longest two feet in the entire world is that between your heart and your head. You see whatever your heart allows you to believe and that my friend is that these still shots depict our everyday story. You assume we wake and our bodies are ready to presume the american dream, there are silent commonalities between every lady. It is graced by warmth and a glow that hides itself well. The only way you would even know is if we dared to tell, but that is where the secret of strength lies beyond the porcelain white smiles.
The day has arrived and the results are in, you feel invincible and then the words crash off the doctors tongue like a wave in a hurricane. You're caught off guard, quickly questioning all that life is and will be. You feel betrayed, abandoned, and regretfully alone. How could this be happening to me? I am only in my twenties with a hole life to run and be free. Your friends, family, and coworkers are supportive, but do not understand. You wished you had someone to hold your hair back, but you manage with simply a rubber band. The days ahead are filled with test, questions, and procedures that you dread. But everyday you wake up and eventually pull yourself out of bed. For the time being you are externally flawless, but internally you are wasting away. The blue cocktail the doctor has prescribed makes you weak and sick on the inside. Night after night you befriend the porcelain god and day after day you feel your body slowly withering away. The make up no longer hides the black bags under your eyes, and your clothes are swallowing you whole because you can't figure out your size. As the weight falls off, your appearance begins to change and then comes the procedures where you learn to hide all of the pain. Needles to the chest, arms, stomach, back, legs, or anywhere the doctors sees best is how it begins, but never how it ends. The razor blades cut away pieces of flesh and you sit in silence praying to God that they pass the test. Soon after your body and appearance have been scarred and transformed.You don't feel normal, lovely, or even you anymore.

Melanoma cancer has a way of altering your body, mind, and soul. This disease creeps into your world and tries to wreak havoc in every part of your life. You find yourself fearful of going out in the sun, and then soon going out period for fear it will only get worse. Then one day you wake up, smile, and say bring on the world. Everyday is a personal test of perseverance and resilience. We smile even when we are in pain. We smile on the days when you feel like you have been hit by a truck. We smile knowing that under the band aid another flawless piece of us has been cut away. We smile through the physical transformation. Most importantly we smile just being thankful we have made to another day. To you it is just a scar, but to us it means we have fought and made it this far. So when the moment comes to freeze frame time and a picture captures one of our smiles, understand there is endurance of pain if you look closely in our eyes. But more importantly there is  indescribable STRENGTH to humbly carry on. Our appearance and hearts are flawlessly imperfect, and perfectly flawed. Please do not judge one on a smile, that can deceive us all.   

Single vs. Settled

I started writing this blog several weeks ago, but for some reason something felt like it was missing so I abandoned ship on it. Over the past 24hrs. one of my all time favorite Florida Gators, now NFL QB, and great role model has been placed in the lime light yet again for his integrity, character, and faith. While many sit back and indulge in cynical conversations, I merely continue to be a fan and applaud him for his character and loyalty. By now I am sure you are wondering if you are reading a blog that has substance or merely a  letter of appreciation to Tim Tebow, the answer is both. 

Over the past couple of months I have been asked the million dollar question, "why aren't you married yet?" Or better yet encountered statements like, "I can't believe you aren't taken," "I just can't get over the fact you aren't married and don't have kids," "you're amazing and unique how is it possible you are single," and the list continues to spiral quickly. I just stand there in bewilderment quickly trying to think of a polite way to respond to such a ludicrous question or statement without coming off as a hypocritical, judgmental, stuck up snob. In the world we live in today it is considered rare and weird for a 29yr. female to be attractive, successful, and single evidently. It is even more mind blowing for people to believe that you have the ability to be a model, athlete, selfless, nice, and independent all while still valuing your self-worth and integrity. 
After days of thinking about these questions and being encouraged by the young ladies I mentor, the answer came! It isn't that I am single, it is merely the fact I am not settled. I am not so caught up in the norms of this world to conform into an individual I wasn't fearfully and wonderfully created to be. I have an amazing relationship and an incarnate love with someone who loves every broken, imperfect piece of me enough to show me just how wonderful I am and just exactly how much my worth is. I would be lying if I said I don't get lonely sometimes, but I would rather embrace this season of life than another. 
I would rather be single, than the abused and neglected wife lying on the cold tile as the black tears make their way to the puddle collecting below. I would rather be single, than the girl who struggles with self esteem, value, and worth because she chose to date someone who refused to provide mental, physical, and spiritual security and most importantly I would rather be single, than give up my morals and beliefs. I have watched several friends marry and divorce over the years and the one thing every single one of them give me as advice is, a relationship should be built on a foundation in Christ. 
By no means am I perfect, I am one of the closest people to imperfect as they come. I have spent many years repairing and remolding myself into a lady with strength to stick up for what I believe in. Every tear I have cried, moment I have asked "what's wrong with me?" and degrading "compliments" I have received have been worth it. Each time I have been turned down for a date, not invited to the party, or just flat out been made fun of only makes the RIGHT time just that much more meaningful and special. To actively wait for someone to write love on my spirit and heart instead of my body is worth every second, especially when you think in terms of forever as opposed to four minutes. 
So the next time you feel the need to ask someone why he/she is single, state the obvious to them, or make fun of them, maybe instead you should congratulate them for not conforming to the norm or settling for society's sake. Merely look them in the eyes and say, " thank you for being the influence, and not the influenced." Thank you for representing single versus settled.

People Always Leave

As I lay lifeless on the couch, dreading the 5am alarm to go off and having to give myself a pep talk just to put my feet on the ground, I am not embraced with satisfaction. The past several years have been hard, the past few months have been hell, and the past few days have been hurtful. The alarm screams at me to get up, get up and face the world, but the weight of my body is more than I can physically lift. I lay there in the cold silence praying for strength to just put my feet on the floor and face the day ahead of me with a smile. I pray for my cold heart, aching stomach, and lonely soul to remember and see the good in the world, but most of all I pray for myself to forgive and for those who have come into my world and chosen to walk out of it that each experiences God's grace and happiness.
Finally with only minutes to get ready I gain enough strength to drag myself off of the couch and face the day. The circumstances and stresses I am already aware I will take on for the day are overwhelming and I feel as if there is no where to turn. I try to remember the good, find the positive, and understand that the reality is this life is hard, but my spirit isn't satisfied with that. I begin to put on the make up desperately trying to disguise the lines that will give away my secret of sleepless nights and wear bigger shirts so no one will notice the pounds that have been drastically lost.
In a split second I am "all put together" on the outside and yet completely destroyed on the inside. This journey of life that I had planned out in my head so many years ago never had so many side notes and story endings in it. The unexpected journey of loss of loved ones, loss of relationships, loss of friendships, and loss of self had never once come to mind or been written in my book of life.
Crying out to God to give me guidance, direction, and strength I realized the constant in my life, people always leave but he is always by my side.
Questioning all thoughts, purpose, value, and worth I continued on with my daily routine, coach, teach, answer emails, plan for the next lesson, grade papers, console a hurting child, answer parents complaints, go to this meeting and that meeting with myself "all put together." The entire time I still question the sole purpose of this lonely life and how you can be surrounded by so many people and yet still absolutely alone. I came home to an empty house and began to pray again for strength and guidance to face yet another routine day, the uncharted territory we call a journey. As I lay in bed at an hour that is far to early for even dinner, trying to pep talk myself into accomplishing the millions of things I didn't check off of the to do list physical weakness and internal struggle is still in the midst.
What is wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? Why do people leave? When will this loneliness go away? Why am I empty? What is this purpose? and the thoughts continue to spiral out of control. The next thing I knew were the comforting words coming from the Psalms. "The Lord watches over you, the Lord is your shade at your right hand" Ps. 121:5 with a note written next to the verse, when you feel alone, He is by your side.
It was written plain as day before me. When you feel alone, HE is by your side. That was it, those were the words I needed to hold onto and remember. The simple phrase, "He is by your side" was the hope and strength to face one more day knowing I have a purpose. 
When the world walks out on you and the walls cave in around you just remember that People Always Leave, but He is always by your side. The uncharted journey is never easy and when you feel like you are losing all grasp and foothold just lift your eyes up knowing He is by your side guiding your footpath every step of the way. God is in control and always in the middle of the storm. He is by your side and giving you the strength to take on the world with just one more step.

We are Barrow's, We are Cousins, and WE ARE STRONG

Heaven claimed another one of ours today and we are left on this earth with broken hearts that haven't even had the time to mend from the past claims. Although emotions are indescribable at this moment and no one wishes them on their worst enemy, there is one thing we have in common. We are cousins and we get it together, unfortunately. 

We have stood together at a very young age saying our goodbyes to one of our very own, we have fought through the emotions, the little town stigma and stereotypes, the trials and the triumphs together. We have gotten ourselves into trouble together, gotten ourselves out of trouble together, and have always somehow felt one another's pains. 

For most people "family" means mom, dad, siblings, and occasionally the grandparents. For the Barrow's, "Family" means mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, multitude of cousins, friends, and half the town all gathering together to celebrate whatever the occasion may be. Family is something very valued, cherished, and close nit.  

We aren't your stereotypical family, because we have all not only grown up together, we all have three things in common that create a noticeable separation from the crowd when encountered by others. The first is, we all have Barrow running through our veins. To be a Barrow means you face the world head on without fear and you fight like there is no tomorrow to always stay ahead of the other guy. To be a Barrow means you have an unexplainable strength in a time when most would buckle and fall to their knees to cry. To be a Barrow means you will always work hard, never quit, and never give up on someone else. You are expected to have courage in a time when all seems lost and be positive, encouraging, and selfless until the end. 

But not only are we all Barrow's, we are cousins. We are Barrow cousins which means, if you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us. It also means that we walk along side one another through every season in life. We are the wings to one another's flight, the calm to each other's storm, and the hope when one of us is lost and hopeless. 

Throughout these years we have spent more time together saying goodbye to loved ones, rather than saying hello to new memories.  Somehow through God's grace and strength all of us have managed  to find the strength to carry on when our worlds were crashing in all around us. The lyrics from Casting Crown's song Just be Held have become more than just words being sang for us, but have become an anthem to our daily routines. 

"Hold it all together, 

Everybody needs you strong. 

But life hits you out of nowhere 

and barely leaves you holding on. 

And when you're tired of fighting,

 chained by your control,

 there's freedom in surrender,

Lay it down and let it go. 

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away,

You're not along, stop holding on and just be held.

YOUR WORLD'S NOT FALLING APART, IT'S FALLING INTO PLACE,

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held."

So as we embark on yet another moment in life together, wishing we didn't have to travel this road, we all know that we wont be doing it alone because we are Barrow's, we are Cousins, and WE ARE ALWAYS STRONG TOGETHER. 

Ps. 46:10

To Let Love In

I let your love in, I have the scar
I felt the razor against my heart
I thought we were both in all the way
But you caught it by the handle
And I caught it by the blade

You said "goodbye, it's not the end
And if you need me, I'm still your friend"
Well, that's easy for you to say
Cause you caught it by the handle
And I caught it by the blade 
(ashley monroe the blade)

As many of you know I am a teacher, coach, mentor, and mother to the masses. Over the last week I have spent countless hours not only in thoughts of my own world, but in the lives of several beautiful young ladies who struggle with insecurities and societal deemed inadequacies. This world we live in today is cruel and filled with so many unfair and unjust rulings that it is hard to stay a float when the water level is rapidly rising with one bad situation after the next. 

As I sat in thought of my past, I was overwhelmed with thankfulness for all of the different tantalizing, gut wrenching, heart breaking, life shattering moments I have encountered at a young age. 

Now let me explain, several of the things I have seen or encountered in my life I would never pray for any human being to endure. The thing about it though is I am quickly reminded as I wipe tears out of her eyes that he makes beauty out of ashes. Although I can't take the pain out of the girl's heart who has to see the boy who force-ably took her innocence away, walk freely through the halls of school, "because there is nothing more we can do," the emptiness from the girl who was told she was loved and the right one only to be replaced by someone else, the scars from the abusive words screamed at her, the shame from the single teenage soon to be mother, the emotion of worthless from the girl whose parents only remind her that she wasn't planned and is just an expense, or the loneliness for the one who has nothing left to come home to, I can be an ear to listen and shoulder to cry on. I will be the complete patience and understanding that they need at that season in life.

So as we stood in the Texas heat on the sun beaten black top, I listened. I listened to the pain through her eyes and held her close through her tears. I am not sure what made her gravitate towards me and know that I was one to confide in, but I am glad she did. In that moment I was able to share my story. A story of trials that have resulted in triumphs. I was able to walk through her story with confidence knowing that the words of encouragement were going to be just what she needed to hear, because they were words I too once needed. There are people in this world who are fortunate to have never had to experience loss of love and life changing, heart wrenching tragedies in life. There are people who go through something everyday with hopes and prayers to never see the sun again, and then there are people who make a choice to change their direction because they know the scars are merely beautiful evidence of life. 

Letting love in takes more courage and vulnerability then almost anything on this earth. It requires an individual to lay it all on the line and say to someone, "here is the most precious thing I have; my heart. This organ that provides this body with life, I am willing to trust you with it." Somewhere along the journey of life people forget just how fragile and vital a person's heart is and it becomes damaged. The beauty in that damage is that there is nothing that cannot be pieced back together, because you and I were made with purpose. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made..." Psalm 139:13,14 states so eloquently. God knew what he was doing when he breathed the breath of life into Adam and gave you lungs filled with air waiting to exhale with words of encouragement and life. I know the blade is cold and the heart is frail, but don't let someone else's bad choices control your life's decisions. Instead let your scars tell a story and be the strength that someone else will need when you begin to show them their true beauty from the pile of ashes. Most importantly never forget to let love reign within the ashes.

SWEETLY BROKEN

As I was riding in the truck last night listening to a sermon over tempting thoughts versus immoral thoughts I was stuck in this moment filled with questions and a wandering mind. I got home and opened my Bible only find that I was going to become more confused and filled with more questions. The night moved forward without fault and my mind continued to process topics about temptation, morality vs. immorality, right from wrong, and just life in general.
This morning I got up opened my Bible back up to Philippians to re-read the chapter in hopes for answers. As I skimmed over the black and white words I became annoyed by the tantalizing evidence of lack of knowledge or inability to see the answers. I closed my Bible out of frustration and went to take a shower. While I was in the shower Jeremy Riddle's Sweetly Broken voice softly sang Sweetly Broken through my phones speakers and it hit me. No matter how smart you feel you are or how much you feel you deserve to know the answer right then and there, it will always be in God's timing. 
I didn't think much more about it and continued on with my day of work ahead of me as the lyrics to the song twirled around in my head like a broken record. "SWEETLY BROKEN, WHOLLY SURRENDERED" is such a simple phrase and yet extremely powerful. Until you come to a point in your life that you are completely face down, at the end of your rope in complete surrender to God there will always be a moment of doubt, question, insecurity, lack of humility, and inability to fully let go of the control of life. 
I plopped my Bible onto the kitchen table to re-read Philippians again in hopes of clarification. When I looked down the book had open to Acts 4:23 which is discussing a believers prayer and sharing your possessions with others because we are in one heart and community. To the side of the page I had written a reference. The reference written out to the side was Philippians 2:3-4 "then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."
So as I processed the questions, lyrics, and verses it all came clear. Just when you think it's ok to question someones actions or your own, make sure you have completely humbled yourself to understand we are all suffering and everything in life is situational. Be sure to approach situations and topics with grace and love. You and I are both the same, one in unity who are sweetly broken, but redeemed by an undeserving grace and incarnate love. 

"To the cross I look, to the cross I cling

Of its suffering I do drink

Of its work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed

Showed that God is love

And God is just

Chorus:

At the cross You beckon me

You draw me gently to my knees, and I am

Lost for words, so lost in love,

I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life

Have I been given

Through Christ crucified

You've called me out of death

You've called me into life

And I was under Your wrath

Now through the cross I'm reconciled 

Chorus:

In awe of the cross I must confess

How wondrous Your redeeming love and

How great is Your faithfulness"

Sutures

The past couple of days have been very weird for me and definitely a struggle. I have been experiencing a lot of loneliness and anxiety, plus the struggle of acceptance and physical appearance which has then only led to sadness and frustration.

A few weeks ago I had to have precancerous biopsies done on my body which left me in pain and physically transformed. The large chunks of my body missing reminded me of all the imperfections that exist in my life and though to most this procedure was just removal of skin cells, for me it was so much more.  

As the needle pierced through my delicate skin, I could feel the serum rush inward. Lidocaine filled the local areas that had been marked as "DAMAGED" and began to numb my body.The lack of sensation and emotion seemed all to familiar and I quickly realized this was about to be a full on internal war of emotions for me. The doctor came in and said a few words including, "you wont even feel a thing." I thought to myself you're right, this is all coming back as too familiar. As the cold razor blade began to shave and carve away pieces of my body I regressed to a dark area I had battled with for so many years, that area being numbness to this cruel world and invisibility to the world.  

A couple weeks later the cell phone vibrated in my hand with a 512 number popping up across the screen last Thursday afternoon. A lady's voice echoed through the speaker as she asked for "Ms. Ramsey?" The next few moments are like a knot that is impossible to untangle, but the one thing she said that I heard loud and clear was, "the results have come back positive." After that last word, I am not really sure in what order things were said, but somewhere along the lines of explaining what my pathology reports read and scheduling surgery for Tuesday occurred. 

I had just overcome the struggles and insecurities of having four areas of my body carved away, only to now soon be having part of my bicep cut open and out of me. I stood in the middle of Lowes doing what I do best in moments like this, PUSHING FORWARD and working. One of my biggest strengths and weaknesses is that I have mastered the art of shutting off emotions and becoming completely numb in hard times. This personality characteristic is a strength that enables me to always push through, but a crippling weakness to encourage false realities. 

Over the past couple of weeks and even days I have gone back and forth with the vain character imperfections and scars leave one with and the humility and testimonies that can also be created from the flawlessly imperfect appearance. It wasn't until yesterday that I fully became appreciative of sutures and dip that is now in my right bicep. When I came across this verse, "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. John 15:2." 

This verse spoke volumes to me! My body is slowly being pruned and transformed not only outwardly, but also internally. As the transformation of my physical appearance is taking place before my eyes, I am also experiencing a change of heart and how to always give God control and know that he has everything under control. Now instead of thinking how unworthy or ugly I am when I look down and see the scar on my stomach, the missing piece of my forearm, the scar on my back, or the sutures and dip in my bicep I just smile and think to myself, "wow I can't wait to tell the awesome story of  a competitor who took on life and overcame once again. 

Scars are not the ugly imperfections from life, but the intertwined words on a page that lead to a story worth telling. Each scar is like a puzzle piece that came at the right time and fits intermittently with other parts of this puzzle we are putting together called life. A portion of me has been pruned or taken away, but what I have gained is priceless because acknowledging the authenticity of real beauty is just that, priceless.

So as my day comes to an end I will leave you with this quote by Paula Finn, "greet each day with your eyes open to beauty, your mind open to change, and your heart open to love."

                          

                                               

Breathe it all in. Love it all out

To live and to be loved are two of the greatest accomplishments in life. I can only hope I show love and grace to those around me daily, as much as I desire to be shown and receive such a priceless gift. A gift that cannot be bought or repaid, yet quickly lost and so easily taken for granted. 
The need for love is as contagious as the oxygen we need to breathe. It slowly and silently encroaches it's way into our world, like the oxygen traveling through our arteries and veins to give life. Just as the heart needs a beat, a person needs a reason and value to live. Love can be the magnificent door to an outstanding life and yet the silent killer of this beautiful life. It can come into your world unexpected and without expectations, and as quickly as the eight seconds a brain dies without oxygen it can cripples ones heart with excruciating pain. 
To be loved is one of the greatest experiences and gifts of life. I can only hope that before the oxygen levels deplete in my vessels and my life begins to slowly fade that I have loved you. I hope that I have given "my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain (Robert N. Test)" and I have been able to renew the lives of others with the gift of hope and life. Until that day comes I pray I have had the wonderful opportunity to not only know you, but openly and outwardly love you out loud.Until we meet again my friend live life to the fullest in the crazy world that we are blessed to experience and yet cursed to suffer in.

"Coinnionn na Flathis na mairbh dhilse"

Real vs. World

Real vs. World

Who are you?

Lost my best friend the day before

A few weeks ago my life dramatically came to a screeching halt on a Saturday morning at 1:07am when yet again the cold blooded, heart stopping, continuous ring of my cell phone went off. I was so disoriented and confused that the next few sentences said through tears by Lorie seemed like a blur, and just a really bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. Unfortunately it wasn't a dream and I was actually living it. 
The following two weeks were literally like living in an inescapable hell. I thought a few years ago I had reached the maximum limit of exhaustion, anguish, and emotion when I lost several of my friends to yet again my worst enemy, DEATH! Undeniably I was wrong. In the next two weeks that followed that phone call, I reached an entirely new level of exhaustion and emotion that I can't even begin to explain or find adjectives to adequately describe what it was like. Exhaustion, emotions, hurt, anger, confusion, loss, sadness, brokenness, shattered, numbness, and complete surrender do not even come close to what I was and still am experiencing. 

Working off the anger in hopes of a different emotion, all with a smile on.

A week before that life changing phone call I watched my best friend drive away and out of my world, and I stood in an empty driveway hurting right then and there. What I didn't realize was the pain of loss in that moment was going to feel like a needle prick on my finger compared to the amputation of losing my number one fan in my life. Some people are not close with their grandparents, other are somewhat, and then there is me and my granddad. WE had an unexplainable, unbreakable special bond that was so evident strangers could see it a mile away. There has never been a day or moment in my life that I had to question whether or not he loved me, valued me, or was proud of me. My worth and existence to him was priceless and I KNEW IT! What I didn't know was the tight hug he gave me the Friday morning before Easter was going to be the last, and that his story was soon coming to an end. I was completely clueless that I would have to begin a new chapter of my life without him starting, April 15, 2015. 

Just a couple of hours after
 my granddads funeral/celebration of life

The irony to that date was while many of you were frantically rushing around trying to file the last minute paperwork for your taxes, checking on your friends via social media, or updating a pseudo status to make people in this world think everything is great, it wasn't. The reality and truth probably wasn't even close to that and my reality was devastating. 
My biggest weakness and strength is that I am a strong individual who can hide emotion and reality, conforming to what social media and the world expect of me. I feel as though we are all guilty to some degree of this, and get so lost or caught up in what we are expected to be that we lose site of how to feel, or who we should be. Even now the emotions of anger, sadness, happiness, and numbness come when random fluttering thoughts of my granddad race through my mind or I just need to pick up the phone and call him. 
The problem I have faced and experience is that in those moments there is no one there or they are so quick to "console" by telling us not to cry, not to be sad, not to be angry, not to experience emotion that we quickly put a thick wall up. Ladies and gentlemen the reality is that life hurts, and if we are expected to be Jesus with skin on then we better be willing to be real and translucent.  The world is so quick to judge and require invulnerable conformity that we as a society lack depth, vulnerability, and uniqueness. 
It is so much easier to just say, " I'm good" or hear someone say that, than it is to truly get involved in their mess and truly deal with life right along side them. To stand next to someone and hurt along side them requires an amount of depth, vulnerability, and realness that we struggle to achieve as individuals, but live with satisfaction and self gratitude of excuses. We tell ourselves hey you were kind and considerate enough to even ask someone how they are today or how their day was, *high five to self* and you give yourself a pat on the back, when the reality is you wouldn't have actually been willing to walk through life with them and take the time to listen had they truly opened up to you. 
The shortest verse in the Bible is, "Jesus wept" and yet a powerful impacting statement. The next time you log onto social media don't assume the pictures or status updates disclose the truth about someone, or when you post a status, ask yourself if it is reality. So when the time comes and someone ask you how you are, be honest with detail and the next time you ask someone how they are, be willing to get involved in their mess. Don't accept "I'm good" for a quality and qualified response, but show them that you truly do care. 

I had just wiped my tears away before that shot

Be real, not of this world! 

What are you carrying around?

Regret Nothing, but Hope for Everything

It seems as life moves vastly forward spinning out of control getting lost and not knowing the way home we some how continue to pickup just one more thing, one more piece of luggage as we recklessly stumble towards what we hope to call greatness or contentment. The irony though is God didn't call us to live a life of contentment or greatness. He simply asked us to live a simple life loving him, not asking us to take the perfect step into the finish line. So as you sit and reevaluate your life and the baggage you carry, reveal the truth of baggage, toxic relationships, personal flaws, and all areas that reek havoc on ones soul without pointing screaming fingers of "YOU CAUSED IT," but learning how to graciously forgive.
One of the hardest things in life is learning how to obtain and maintain humility. Recognizing we are all torn, broken, flawed, and scared with hurt. The hurts of others are inflicted upon us daily, because those who are hurting, hurt people. It is a vicious cycle that can only be stopped with grace, humility, and forgiveness. Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us to "Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind on to another, tenderhearted, FORGIVING one another, even as Christ forgave you."  So at some point you have to step up and make the choice to stop making excuses for yours and others actions and just humble yourself to the fact that we are all broken and filled with scars that tell a beautiful story of forgiving and overcoming. As you sit and ask yourself what do you need to stop holding onto remember one thing, there is always a season in life and you are not always meant to continue to water the seed in someone else's world. God has someone else to walk along side you, just as he has someone else to walk along those who continue to hurt.
Stop holding a grudge and start imitating Christ by forgiving others, just as he forgave and continues to forgive over and over and over again. Choose to live by faith and not by judgement.

Where my feet may fail me

The days of solitude cease to exist as we are confronted and conformed to a vastly technological society. An email here, a text there, a social media post on this, that, and the other continue to consume our world. It as if we practically lack the ability to even look up from the screen to acknowledge the life that is sitting right before us. The irony to all of this is that "the best moments of our lives are not the passive receptive, relaxing times," but the fully engaged, one hundred percent taxing of all self energy. Just when we reach the empty tank, society pushes us to run off of the fumes until we fall victim to the burnout point. Timothy Kanold states, "But those moments cannot be sustained without intentional disengagement to avoid" such points. Then where do we go and how does one get to the peaceful disengagement when your feet fail to be placed one in front of another?
II Timothy 2:22,23 tells us to "flee also youthful lusts, but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife." He continues further to say that we must not fight among one another, but to be gentle extending mercy and grace with patience and humility. In order to live a balanced life filled with disengagement and full of energy we must be willing to pursue both an internal and external balance that leaves no excuse for mediocrity. Accepting the truth that it is okay to say NO, and "adjust other commitments and life goals as new passions and pursuits take root." 
Life is to fragile to fall into conformity, but rather into the pursuit of humility, righteousness, and happiness. "The world will not devote itself to making you happy. If you wait for outside circumstances to change, you fall prey to the plague of if onlys (T. Kanold)." When the waves crash before us and the waters become dangerously to deep, we mustn't rest at that moment, but fight until the storm has calmed. Living by faith that the time for rest will come when you feel as though your external limbs have failed you in all aspects of life. Keep heart and hold onto the truth that the spirit will lead you to the end of the borders and in the places you have yet to wander because you were called here for a purpose, to take notice, look up from the screen and not to live in mediocrity and conformity. 

Perfectly Flawed and Flawlessly Imperfect

As the days continue to spin vastly out of control, the overwhelming acknowledgement of comparison to others has increased dramatically over the past couple of years. A pursuit to be perfect in a crimson stained world has brought on unattainable expectations and struggles.
This past week I wiped the tears out of a young girls eyes as her innocence sat in my lap crying over the inability to see her beauty and positive impact she has on others. As I held her so close, my heart hurt, because I could sympathize with her. I too was just as guilty of those painful tears falling on my bathroom floor and struggles of wanting growth, and desires/prayers to be answered this week. The society we live in and the every day reality consume our thoughts with an urge to be perfect, to appear as if nothing is wrong, to cover up any emotion or flaws, and to always "fake it 'Til you make it." Though I am an advocate for hard work and dedication, I am also one for allowing the natural talent or beauty of something to be seen and recognized.
For years I had dated an individual who expected me to appear and act a certain way. To put on a face and wear it well. After years of singleness, I decided to date again...I found that men had comparison insecurities just as much as women do. 
We are merely human, with our own imperfections and flaws. The difference in people is merely what will you choose to make of those flaws. Will you allow the reminder from the scars to be a crippling excuse to lack value and success, or will you allow the reminders from those scars to be the encouragement and testimony of true worth, success, and God's love and grace? Ultimately the decision is yours. No matter what you choose, the truth is you were created with purpose and worth in a society that one must encounter both good and evil. Each and every one of us is Perfectly Flawed, and Flawlessly Imperfect in this great big world. 
So hold on to your dignity and humility. Stand tall with confidence, that you are somebody who holds goodness in the palm of your hand, and take a step of faith towards greatness.

Regret Nothing, Hope for Everything

Regret nothing, but hope for everything

As those words continue to flow through my mind consistently, I am left with the acknowledgment of hope only. At some point you have to recognize that we are all human, broken, torn, bruised, scarred, and flawed. We are all given the opportunity to change those bruises and scars into moments of beauty with the slightest hope of holding onto a heart that is so big. So when the road seems twisted, turned, narrow, or even at a dead end, remember that there is always another route. Always remember that you are stronger than you will ever give yourself credit for, because you my friend are your biggest critic. It is only human nature to question yourself in some areas of life, but hold onto your morals, values, beliefs, and hope. If you lose sight of any one of those grab hold to an angel and let them lead you into the light. You are wanted, you are loved because you have so much more than you can see and such a big heart that even God knows the in between opportunities only lead to greatness.  I never had a chance to say this when you were with me friend, I thought I would have one more. Thank you for always leading me down a path of greatness, confidently knowing to REGRET NOTHING, BUT HOPE FOR EVERYTHING.