Real vs. World

Real vs. World

Who are you?

Lost my best friend the day before

A few weeks ago my life dramatically came to a screeching halt on a Saturday morning at 1:07am when yet again the cold blooded, heart stopping, continuous ring of my cell phone went off. I was so disoriented and confused that the next few sentences said through tears by Lorie seemed like a blur, and just a really bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. Unfortunately it wasn't a dream and I was actually living it. 
The following two weeks were literally like living in an inescapable hell. I thought a few years ago I had reached the maximum limit of exhaustion, anguish, and emotion when I lost several of my friends to yet again my worst enemy, DEATH! Undeniably I was wrong. In the next two weeks that followed that phone call, I reached an entirely new level of exhaustion and emotion that I can't even begin to explain or find adjectives to adequately describe what it was like. Exhaustion, emotions, hurt, anger, confusion, loss, sadness, brokenness, shattered, numbness, and complete surrender do not even come close to what I was and still am experiencing. 

Working off the anger in hopes of a different emotion, all with a smile on.

A week before that life changing phone call I watched my best friend drive away and out of my world, and I stood in an empty driveway hurting right then and there. What I didn't realize was the pain of loss in that moment was going to feel like a needle prick on my finger compared to the amputation of losing my number one fan in my life. Some people are not close with their grandparents, other are somewhat, and then there is me and my granddad. WE had an unexplainable, unbreakable special bond that was so evident strangers could see it a mile away. There has never been a day or moment in my life that I had to question whether or not he loved me, valued me, or was proud of me. My worth and existence to him was priceless and I KNEW IT! What I didn't know was the tight hug he gave me the Friday morning before Easter was going to be the last, and that his story was soon coming to an end. I was completely clueless that I would have to begin a new chapter of my life without him starting, April 15, 2015. 

Just a couple of hours after
 my granddads funeral/celebration of life

The irony to that date was while many of you were frantically rushing around trying to file the last minute paperwork for your taxes, checking on your friends via social media, or updating a pseudo status to make people in this world think everything is great, it wasn't. The reality and truth probably wasn't even close to that and my reality was devastating. 
My biggest weakness and strength is that I am a strong individual who can hide emotion and reality, conforming to what social media and the world expect of me. I feel as though we are all guilty to some degree of this, and get so lost or caught up in what we are expected to be that we lose site of how to feel, or who we should be. Even now the emotions of anger, sadness, happiness, and numbness come when random fluttering thoughts of my granddad race through my mind or I just need to pick up the phone and call him. 
The problem I have faced and experience is that in those moments there is no one there or they are so quick to "console" by telling us not to cry, not to be sad, not to be angry, not to experience emotion that we quickly put a thick wall up. Ladies and gentlemen the reality is that life hurts, and if we are expected to be Jesus with skin on then we better be willing to be real and translucent.  The world is so quick to judge and require invulnerable conformity that we as a society lack depth, vulnerability, and uniqueness. 
It is so much easier to just say, " I'm good" or hear someone say that, than it is to truly get involved in their mess and truly deal with life right along side them. To stand next to someone and hurt along side them requires an amount of depth, vulnerability, and realness that we struggle to achieve as individuals, but live with satisfaction and self gratitude of excuses. We tell ourselves hey you were kind and considerate enough to even ask someone how they are today or how their day was, *high five to self* and you give yourself a pat on the back, when the reality is you wouldn't have actually been willing to walk through life with them and take the time to listen had they truly opened up to you. 
The shortest verse in the Bible is, "Jesus wept" and yet a powerful impacting statement. The next time you log onto social media don't assume the pictures or status updates disclose the truth about someone, or when you post a status, ask yourself if it is reality. So when the time comes and someone ask you how you are, be honest with detail and the next time you ask someone how they are, be willing to get involved in their mess. Don't accept "I'm good" for a quality and qualified response, but show them that you truly do care. 

I had just wiped my tears away before that shot

Be real, not of this world!