19lbs. of vulnerability

"It's Not What Happens To You That Determines How Far You Will Go In Life;

It Is How You Handle What Happens To You." Zig Ziglar

For most of us we rejoice when we see a pound or two shed from the scale or have a party when we have achieved our next weight goal. For me 19lbs. represents an absolute life change and season of struggle. For the past ten months I have lived on a life changing roller coaster that unfortunately has become "norm" for me.
Every morning I have to pep talk myself into getting out of bed to begin a day filled with job searching. Like several individuals I have become one classified in the unemployed status, not by choice. Unlike the majority due to layoffs or let goes, I make up a small percentage of those who had a MAJOR life change due to someone else's actions. I remember the car slamming into mine, the explosion of what felt like a bomb, and the agonizing pain in my jaw at that very instant. From that moment forward I do not remember the majority of the next three months of my life and everything up to a point is extremely hazy. What I do know is, life changed. The team of doctors deemed it medically necessary for me to leave work for several weeks. This medical decision required me become a ghost to a team that I loved dearly, forced my administration into a position of privacy, and left my athletes and parents with no form of understanding. Upon my return I was still faced with the inability to utilize my mouth properly or have full range of motion which made me unable to coach properly. By the grace of God I worked for an amazing district and faculty that rallied together through the stressful short notice to fill the gaps my absence had left and lead my team onward.
As months passed and the pain became a norm, the mind began to heal and thoughts were finally an intricate part of my day. I was beginning to make coherent thoughts and decisions. I was still lost in this great big world, losing weight daily, and trying to figure it all out. I celebrated though the ability to remember my name, where I lived or my address, where I put my keys last, what I taught for the day, who I interacted with, or whether or not I had eaten that day.
The healing of my brain was the original priority, but once we had reached a safe stage the team of medical professionals moved onto the next part of my body. My jaw, which had taken a backseat was finally the priority and we quickly made surgical arrangements. Living eight months with a bilateral dislocated jaw had been a painful challenge, but I had survived. This procedure was not cheap, along with all of the others I had endured, it too was not covered by insurance. All medical treatment to date have been costly and straight out of my personal pocket.  I am not here to write a pity party novel, but to encourage you to, ENDURE!
On July 13, I had maxillofacial mandibular bilateral jaw surgery. This runs a close first with one of the most expensive and painful procedures I have ever endured thus far. The rehabilitation is definitely the longest I have every trekked through at this point in my life. I have lived 8 months with liquid only, add on another 3 months post surgery and then an introduction into soft solids soon.
The past two and a half months have been some of the most challenging I have ever endured with the inability to provide nutrition through anything but a straw pretty much, unemployment, a new marriage, financial struggles, and well life. I wouldn't change the 19lbs. I have lost or the season of struggle for the world. It is not easy by any means of the word. In fact it is extremely HARD! I have spent many sleepless, tear filled nights questioning God and my purpose/existence.
Here is the reality, I can focus on the struggles which I wrote above or I can choose to wipe the tears from my eyes and see the gifts and opportunities God has given me. In the past ten months I have met an astounding team of doctors who have become more than just medical professionals. Each one of these individuals has chosen to be vulnerable and open up to me with there life and asked to be a part of mine. I have married a god fearing man who has stood by my side and continues to love me through the entire mess. I have been able to stay the night at the hospital with my dear friend Matt as we both endure different battles but fight to have our lives back. I was blessed with the opportunity to take my friend, who is battling cancer, to move their child into the last college apartment ever and I have had conversations with people whom I never would have encountered had it not been for this. With my medical leave and unemployment I have been able to help an office in need of temporary part time staffing out, endure a struggle, and both happily and angrily seek the Lord more than I think I ever have before in my life.
Although this has been one of the most devastating loss of 19lbs. of my life, it has also been one of the most healthy 19lbs. of my life. I encourage you daily to seek God's purpose diligently and to hold onto Psalm 46:10 promise to "Be Still, and know that I am God." The reality is life isn't easy, in fact IT IS REALLY HARD! But you and I both mean something extremely special to someone and bring light into a world of darkness. Don't give up, but keep fighting.  As pastor Brian L. of Life Church says, "Say no to cope and YES to hope!." What are your 19lbs. of vulnerability and how will you handle it?