Sutures

The past couple of days have been very weird for me and definitely a struggle. I have been experiencing a lot of loneliness and anxiety, plus the struggle of acceptance and physical appearance which has then only led to sadness and frustration.

A few weeks ago I had to have precancerous biopsies done on my body which left me in pain and physically transformed. The large chunks of my body missing reminded me of all the imperfections that exist in my life and though to most this procedure was just removal of skin cells, for me it was so much more.  

As the needle pierced through my delicate skin, I could feel the serum rush inward. Lidocaine filled the local areas that had been marked as "DAMAGED" and began to numb my body.The lack of sensation and emotion seemed all to familiar and I quickly realized this was about to be a full on internal war of emotions for me. The doctor came in and said a few words including, "you wont even feel a thing." I thought to myself you're right, this is all coming back as too familiar. As the cold razor blade began to shave and carve away pieces of my body I regressed to a dark area I had battled with for so many years, that area being numbness to this cruel world and invisibility to the world.  

A couple weeks later the cell phone vibrated in my hand with a 512 number popping up across the screen last Thursday afternoon. A lady's voice echoed through the speaker as she asked for "Ms. Ramsey?" The next few moments are like a knot that is impossible to untangle, but the one thing she said that I heard loud and clear was, "the results have come back positive." After that last word, I am not really sure in what order things were said, but somewhere along the lines of explaining what my pathology reports read and scheduling surgery for Tuesday occurred. 

I had just overcome the struggles and insecurities of having four areas of my body carved away, only to now soon be having part of my bicep cut open and out of me. I stood in the middle of Lowes doing what I do best in moments like this, PUSHING FORWARD and working. One of my biggest strengths and weaknesses is that I have mastered the art of shutting off emotions and becoming completely numb in hard times. This personality characteristic is a strength that enables me to always push through, but a crippling weakness to encourage false realities. 

Over the past couple of weeks and even days I have gone back and forth with the vain character imperfections and scars leave one with and the humility and testimonies that can also be created from the flawlessly imperfect appearance. It wasn't until yesterday that I fully became appreciative of sutures and dip that is now in my right bicep. When I came across this verse, "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. John 15:2." 

This verse spoke volumes to me! My body is slowly being pruned and transformed not only outwardly, but also internally. As the transformation of my physical appearance is taking place before my eyes, I am also experiencing a change of heart and how to always give God control and know that he has everything under control. Now instead of thinking how unworthy or ugly I am when I look down and see the scar on my stomach, the missing piece of my forearm, the scar on my back, or the sutures and dip in my bicep I just smile and think to myself, "wow I can't wait to tell the awesome story of  a competitor who took on life and overcame once again. 

Scars are not the ugly imperfections from life, but the intertwined words on a page that lead to a story worth telling. Each scar is like a puzzle piece that came at the right time and fits intermittently with other parts of this puzzle we are putting together called life. A portion of me has been pruned or taken away, but what I have gained is priceless because acknowledging the authenticity of real beauty is just that, priceless.

So as my day comes to an end I will leave you with this quote by Paula Finn, "greet each day with your eyes open to beauty, your mind open to change, and your heart open to love."

                          

                                               

Breathe it all in. Love it all out

To live and to be loved are two of the greatest accomplishments in life. I can only hope I show love and grace to those around me daily, as much as I desire to be shown and receive such a priceless gift. A gift that cannot be bought or repaid, yet quickly lost and so easily taken for granted. 
The need for love is as contagious as the oxygen we need to breathe. It slowly and silently encroaches it's way into our world, like the oxygen traveling through our arteries and veins to give life. Just as the heart needs a beat, a person needs a reason and value to live. Love can be the magnificent door to an outstanding life and yet the silent killer of this beautiful life. It can come into your world unexpected and without expectations, and as quickly as the eight seconds a brain dies without oxygen it can cripples ones heart with excruciating pain. 
To be loved is one of the greatest experiences and gifts of life. I can only hope that before the oxygen levels deplete in my vessels and my life begins to slowly fade that I have loved you. I hope that I have given "my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain (Robert N. Test)" and I have been able to renew the lives of others with the gift of hope and life. Until that day comes I pray I have had the wonderful opportunity to not only know you, but openly and outwardly love you out loud.Until we meet again my friend live life to the fullest in the crazy world that we are blessed to experience and yet cursed to suffer in.

"Coinnionn na Flathis na mairbh dhilse"

Real vs. World

Real vs. World

Who are you?

Lost my best friend the day before

A few weeks ago my life dramatically came to a screeching halt on a Saturday morning at 1:07am when yet again the cold blooded, heart stopping, continuous ring of my cell phone went off. I was so disoriented and confused that the next few sentences said through tears by Lorie seemed like a blur, and just a really bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. Unfortunately it wasn't a dream and I was actually living it. 
The following two weeks were literally like living in an inescapable hell. I thought a few years ago I had reached the maximum limit of exhaustion, anguish, and emotion when I lost several of my friends to yet again my worst enemy, DEATH! Undeniably I was wrong. In the next two weeks that followed that phone call, I reached an entirely new level of exhaustion and emotion that I can't even begin to explain or find adjectives to adequately describe what it was like. Exhaustion, emotions, hurt, anger, confusion, loss, sadness, brokenness, shattered, numbness, and complete surrender do not even come close to what I was and still am experiencing. 

Working off the anger in hopes of a different emotion, all with a smile on.

A week before that life changing phone call I watched my best friend drive away and out of my world, and I stood in an empty driveway hurting right then and there. What I didn't realize was the pain of loss in that moment was going to feel like a needle prick on my finger compared to the amputation of losing my number one fan in my life. Some people are not close with their grandparents, other are somewhat, and then there is me and my granddad. WE had an unexplainable, unbreakable special bond that was so evident strangers could see it a mile away. There has never been a day or moment in my life that I had to question whether or not he loved me, valued me, or was proud of me. My worth and existence to him was priceless and I KNEW IT! What I didn't know was the tight hug he gave me the Friday morning before Easter was going to be the last, and that his story was soon coming to an end. I was completely clueless that I would have to begin a new chapter of my life without him starting, April 15, 2015. 

Just a couple of hours after
 my granddads funeral/celebration of life

The irony to that date was while many of you were frantically rushing around trying to file the last minute paperwork for your taxes, checking on your friends via social media, or updating a pseudo status to make people in this world think everything is great, it wasn't. The reality and truth probably wasn't even close to that and my reality was devastating. 
My biggest weakness and strength is that I am a strong individual who can hide emotion and reality, conforming to what social media and the world expect of me. I feel as though we are all guilty to some degree of this, and get so lost or caught up in what we are expected to be that we lose site of how to feel, or who we should be. Even now the emotions of anger, sadness, happiness, and numbness come when random fluttering thoughts of my granddad race through my mind or I just need to pick up the phone and call him. 
The problem I have faced and experience is that in those moments there is no one there or they are so quick to "console" by telling us not to cry, not to be sad, not to be angry, not to experience emotion that we quickly put a thick wall up. Ladies and gentlemen the reality is that life hurts, and if we are expected to be Jesus with skin on then we better be willing to be real and translucent.  The world is so quick to judge and require invulnerable conformity that we as a society lack depth, vulnerability, and uniqueness. 
It is so much easier to just say, " I'm good" or hear someone say that, than it is to truly get involved in their mess and truly deal with life right along side them. To stand next to someone and hurt along side them requires an amount of depth, vulnerability, and realness that we struggle to achieve as individuals, but live with satisfaction and self gratitude of excuses. We tell ourselves hey you were kind and considerate enough to even ask someone how they are today or how their day was, *high five to self* and you give yourself a pat on the back, when the reality is you wouldn't have actually been willing to walk through life with them and take the time to listen had they truly opened up to you. 
The shortest verse in the Bible is, "Jesus wept" and yet a powerful impacting statement. The next time you log onto social media don't assume the pictures or status updates disclose the truth about someone, or when you post a status, ask yourself if it is reality. So when the time comes and someone ask you how you are, be honest with detail and the next time you ask someone how they are, be willing to get involved in their mess. Don't accept "I'm good" for a quality and qualified response, but show them that you truly do care. 

I had just wiped my tears away before that shot

Be real, not of this world! 

What are you carrying around?

Regret Nothing, but Hope for Everything

It seems as life moves vastly forward spinning out of control getting lost and not knowing the way home we some how continue to pickup just one more thing, one more piece of luggage as we recklessly stumble towards what we hope to call greatness or contentment. The irony though is God didn't call us to live a life of contentment or greatness. He simply asked us to live a simple life loving him, not asking us to take the perfect step into the finish line. So as you sit and reevaluate your life and the baggage you carry, reveal the truth of baggage, toxic relationships, personal flaws, and all areas that reek havoc on ones soul without pointing screaming fingers of "YOU CAUSED IT," but learning how to graciously forgive.
One of the hardest things in life is learning how to obtain and maintain humility. Recognizing we are all torn, broken, flawed, and scared with hurt. The hurts of others are inflicted upon us daily, because those who are hurting, hurt people. It is a vicious cycle that can only be stopped with grace, humility, and forgiveness. Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us to "Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind on to another, tenderhearted, FORGIVING one another, even as Christ forgave you."  So at some point you have to step up and make the choice to stop making excuses for yours and others actions and just humble yourself to the fact that we are all broken and filled with scars that tell a beautiful story of forgiving and overcoming. As you sit and ask yourself what do you need to stop holding onto remember one thing, there is always a season in life and you are not always meant to continue to water the seed in someone else's world. God has someone else to walk along side you, just as he has someone else to walk along those who continue to hurt.
Stop holding a grudge and start imitating Christ by forgiving others, just as he forgave and continues to forgive over and over and over again. Choose to live by faith and not by judgement.

Where my feet may fail me

The days of solitude cease to exist as we are confronted and conformed to a vastly technological society. An email here, a text there, a social media post on this, that, and the other continue to consume our world. It as if we practically lack the ability to even look up from the screen to acknowledge the life that is sitting right before us. The irony to all of this is that "the best moments of our lives are not the passive receptive, relaxing times," but the fully engaged, one hundred percent taxing of all self energy. Just when we reach the empty tank, society pushes us to run off of the fumes until we fall victim to the burnout point. Timothy Kanold states, "But those moments cannot be sustained without intentional disengagement to avoid" such points. Then where do we go and how does one get to the peaceful disengagement when your feet fail to be placed one in front of another?
II Timothy 2:22,23 tells us to "flee also youthful lusts, but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife." He continues further to say that we must not fight among one another, but to be gentle extending mercy and grace with patience and humility. In order to live a balanced life filled with disengagement and full of energy we must be willing to pursue both an internal and external balance that leaves no excuse for mediocrity. Accepting the truth that it is okay to say NO, and "adjust other commitments and life goals as new passions and pursuits take root." 
Life is to fragile to fall into conformity, but rather into the pursuit of humility, righteousness, and happiness. "The world will not devote itself to making you happy. If you wait for outside circumstances to change, you fall prey to the plague of if onlys (T. Kanold)." When the waves crash before us and the waters become dangerously to deep, we mustn't rest at that moment, but fight until the storm has calmed. Living by faith that the time for rest will come when you feel as though your external limbs have failed you in all aspects of life. Keep heart and hold onto the truth that the spirit will lead you to the end of the borders and in the places you have yet to wander because you were called here for a purpose, to take notice, look up from the screen and not to live in mediocrity and conformity. 

Perfectly Flawed and Flawlessly Imperfect

As the days continue to spin vastly out of control, the overwhelming acknowledgement of comparison to others has increased dramatically over the past couple of years. A pursuit to be perfect in a crimson stained world has brought on unattainable expectations and struggles.
This past week I wiped the tears out of a young girls eyes as her innocence sat in my lap crying over the inability to see her beauty and positive impact she has on others. As I held her so close, my heart hurt, because I could sympathize with her. I too was just as guilty of those painful tears falling on my bathroom floor and struggles of wanting growth, and desires/prayers to be answered this week. The society we live in and the every day reality consume our thoughts with an urge to be perfect, to appear as if nothing is wrong, to cover up any emotion or flaws, and to always "fake it 'Til you make it." Though I am an advocate for hard work and dedication, I am also one for allowing the natural talent or beauty of something to be seen and recognized.
For years I had dated an individual who expected me to appear and act a certain way. To put on a face and wear it well. After years of singleness, I decided to date again...I found that men had comparison insecurities just as much as women do. 
We are merely human, with our own imperfections and flaws. The difference in people is merely what will you choose to make of those flaws. Will you allow the reminder from the scars to be a crippling excuse to lack value and success, or will you allow the reminders from those scars to be the encouragement and testimony of true worth, success, and God's love and grace? Ultimately the decision is yours. No matter what you choose, the truth is you were created with purpose and worth in a society that one must encounter both good and evil. Each and every one of us is Perfectly Flawed, and Flawlessly Imperfect in this great big world. 
So hold on to your dignity and humility. Stand tall with confidence, that you are somebody who holds goodness in the palm of your hand, and take a step of faith towards greatness.

Regret Nothing, Hope for Everything

Regret nothing, but hope for everything

As those words continue to flow through my mind consistently, I am left with the acknowledgment of hope only. At some point you have to recognize that we are all human, broken, torn, bruised, scarred, and flawed. We are all given the opportunity to change those bruises and scars into moments of beauty with the slightest hope of holding onto a heart that is so big. So when the road seems twisted, turned, narrow, or even at a dead end, remember that there is always another route. Always remember that you are stronger than you will ever give yourself credit for, because you my friend are your biggest critic. It is only human nature to question yourself in some areas of life, but hold onto your morals, values, beliefs, and hope. If you lose sight of any one of those grab hold to an angel and let them lead you into the light. You are wanted, you are loved because you have so much more than you can see and such a big heart that even God knows the in between opportunities only lead to greatness.  I never had a chance to say this when you were with me friend, I thought I would have one more. Thank you for always leading me down a path of greatness, confidently knowing to REGRET NOTHING, BUT HOPE FOR EVERYTHING.