To Let Love In

I let your love in, I have the scar
I felt the razor against my heart
I thought we were both in all the way
But you caught it by the handle
And I caught it by the blade

You said "goodbye, it's not the end
And if you need me, I'm still your friend"
Well, that's easy for you to say
Cause you caught it by the handle
And I caught it by the blade 
(ashley monroe the blade)

As many of you know I am a teacher, coach, mentor, and mother to the masses. Over the last week I have spent countless hours not only in thoughts of my own world, but in the lives of several beautiful young ladies who struggle with insecurities and societal deemed inadequacies. This world we live in today is cruel and filled with so many unfair and unjust rulings that it is hard to stay a float when the water level is rapidly rising with one bad situation after the next. 

As I sat in thought of my past, I was overwhelmed with thankfulness for all of the different tantalizing, gut wrenching, heart breaking, life shattering moments I have encountered at a young age. 

Now let me explain, several of the things I have seen or encountered in my life I would never pray for any human being to endure. The thing about it though is I am quickly reminded as I wipe tears out of her eyes that he makes beauty out of ashes. Although I can't take the pain out of the girl's heart who has to see the boy who force-ably took her innocence away, walk freely through the halls of school, "because there is nothing more we can do," the emptiness from the girl who was told she was loved and the right one only to be replaced by someone else, the scars from the abusive words screamed at her, the shame from the single teenage soon to be mother, the emotion of worthless from the girl whose parents only remind her that she wasn't planned and is just an expense, or the loneliness for the one who has nothing left to come home to, I can be an ear to listen and shoulder to cry on. I will be the complete patience and understanding that they need at that season in life.

So as we stood in the Texas heat on the sun beaten black top, I listened. I listened to the pain through her eyes and held her close through her tears. I am not sure what made her gravitate towards me and know that I was one to confide in, but I am glad she did. In that moment I was able to share my story. A story of trials that have resulted in triumphs. I was able to walk through her story with confidence knowing that the words of encouragement were going to be just what she needed to hear, because they were words I too once needed. There are people in this world who are fortunate to have never had to experience loss of love and life changing, heart wrenching tragedies in life. There are people who go through something everyday with hopes and prayers to never see the sun again, and then there are people who make a choice to change their direction because they know the scars are merely beautiful evidence of life. 

Letting love in takes more courage and vulnerability then almost anything on this earth. It requires an individual to lay it all on the line and say to someone, "here is the most precious thing I have; my heart. This organ that provides this body with life, I am willing to trust you with it." Somewhere along the journey of life people forget just how fragile and vital a person's heart is and it becomes damaged. The beauty in that damage is that there is nothing that cannot be pieced back together, because you and I were made with purpose. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made..." Psalm 139:13,14 states so eloquently. God knew what he was doing when he breathed the breath of life into Adam and gave you lungs filled with air waiting to exhale with words of encouragement and life. I know the blade is cold and the heart is frail, but don't let someone else's bad choices control your life's decisions. Instead let your scars tell a story and be the strength that someone else will need when you begin to show them their true beauty from the pile of ashes. Most importantly never forget to let love reign within the ashes.

SWEETLY BROKEN

As I was riding in the truck last night listening to a sermon over tempting thoughts versus immoral thoughts I was stuck in this moment filled with questions and a wandering mind. I got home and opened my Bible only find that I was going to become more confused and filled with more questions. The night moved forward without fault and my mind continued to process topics about temptation, morality vs. immorality, right from wrong, and just life in general.
This morning I got up opened my Bible back up to Philippians to re-read the chapter in hopes for answers. As I skimmed over the black and white words I became annoyed by the tantalizing evidence of lack of knowledge or inability to see the answers. I closed my Bible out of frustration and went to take a shower. While I was in the shower Jeremy Riddle's Sweetly Broken voice softly sang Sweetly Broken through my phones speakers and it hit me. No matter how smart you feel you are or how much you feel you deserve to know the answer right then and there, it will always be in God's timing. 
I didn't think much more about it and continued on with my day of work ahead of me as the lyrics to the song twirled around in my head like a broken record. "SWEETLY BROKEN, WHOLLY SURRENDERED" is such a simple phrase and yet extremely powerful. Until you come to a point in your life that you are completely face down, at the end of your rope in complete surrender to God there will always be a moment of doubt, question, insecurity, lack of humility, and inability to fully let go of the control of life. 
I plopped my Bible onto the kitchen table to re-read Philippians again in hopes of clarification. When I looked down the book had open to Acts 4:23 which is discussing a believers prayer and sharing your possessions with others because we are in one heart and community. To the side of the page I had written a reference. The reference written out to the side was Philippians 2:3-4 "then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."
So as I processed the questions, lyrics, and verses it all came clear. Just when you think it's ok to question someones actions or your own, make sure you have completely humbled yourself to understand we are all suffering and everything in life is situational. Be sure to approach situations and topics with grace and love. You and I are both the same, one in unity who are sweetly broken, but redeemed by an undeserving grace and incarnate love. 

"To the cross I look, to the cross I cling

Of its suffering I do drink

Of its work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed

Showed that God is love

And God is just

Chorus:

At the cross You beckon me

You draw me gently to my knees, and I am

Lost for words, so lost in love,

I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life

Have I been given

Through Christ crucified

You've called me out of death

You've called me into life

And I was under Your wrath

Now through the cross I'm reconciled 

Chorus:

In awe of the cross I must confess

How wondrous Your redeeming love and

How great is Your faithfulness"

Sutures

The past couple of days have been very weird for me and definitely a struggle. I have been experiencing a lot of loneliness and anxiety, plus the struggle of acceptance and physical appearance which has then only led to sadness and frustration.

A few weeks ago I had to have precancerous biopsies done on my body which left me in pain and physically transformed. The large chunks of my body missing reminded me of all the imperfections that exist in my life and though to most this procedure was just removal of skin cells, for me it was so much more.  

As the needle pierced through my delicate skin, I could feel the serum rush inward. Lidocaine filled the local areas that had been marked as "DAMAGED" and began to numb my body.The lack of sensation and emotion seemed all to familiar and I quickly realized this was about to be a full on internal war of emotions for me. The doctor came in and said a few words including, "you wont even feel a thing." I thought to myself you're right, this is all coming back as too familiar. As the cold razor blade began to shave and carve away pieces of my body I regressed to a dark area I had battled with for so many years, that area being numbness to this cruel world and invisibility to the world.  

A couple weeks later the cell phone vibrated in my hand with a 512 number popping up across the screen last Thursday afternoon. A lady's voice echoed through the speaker as she asked for "Ms. Ramsey?" The next few moments are like a knot that is impossible to untangle, but the one thing she said that I heard loud and clear was, "the results have come back positive." After that last word, I am not really sure in what order things were said, but somewhere along the lines of explaining what my pathology reports read and scheduling surgery for Tuesday occurred. 

I had just overcome the struggles and insecurities of having four areas of my body carved away, only to now soon be having part of my bicep cut open and out of me. I stood in the middle of Lowes doing what I do best in moments like this, PUSHING FORWARD and working. One of my biggest strengths and weaknesses is that I have mastered the art of shutting off emotions and becoming completely numb in hard times. This personality characteristic is a strength that enables me to always push through, but a crippling weakness to encourage false realities. 

Over the past couple of weeks and even days I have gone back and forth with the vain character imperfections and scars leave one with and the humility and testimonies that can also be created from the flawlessly imperfect appearance. It wasn't until yesterday that I fully became appreciative of sutures and dip that is now in my right bicep. When I came across this verse, "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. John 15:2." 

This verse spoke volumes to me! My body is slowly being pruned and transformed not only outwardly, but also internally. As the transformation of my physical appearance is taking place before my eyes, I am also experiencing a change of heart and how to always give God control and know that he has everything under control. Now instead of thinking how unworthy or ugly I am when I look down and see the scar on my stomach, the missing piece of my forearm, the scar on my back, or the sutures and dip in my bicep I just smile and think to myself, "wow I can't wait to tell the awesome story of  a competitor who took on life and overcame once again. 

Scars are not the ugly imperfections from life, but the intertwined words on a page that lead to a story worth telling. Each scar is like a puzzle piece that came at the right time and fits intermittently with other parts of this puzzle we are putting together called life. A portion of me has been pruned or taken away, but what I have gained is priceless because acknowledging the authenticity of real beauty is just that, priceless.

So as my day comes to an end I will leave you with this quote by Paula Finn, "greet each day with your eyes open to beauty, your mind open to change, and your heart open to love."

                          

                                               

Breathe it all in. Love it all out

To live and to be loved are two of the greatest accomplishments in life. I can only hope I show love and grace to those around me daily, as much as I desire to be shown and receive such a priceless gift. A gift that cannot be bought or repaid, yet quickly lost and so easily taken for granted. 
The need for love is as contagious as the oxygen we need to breathe. It slowly and silently encroaches it's way into our world, like the oxygen traveling through our arteries and veins to give life. Just as the heart needs a beat, a person needs a reason and value to live. Love can be the magnificent door to an outstanding life and yet the silent killer of this beautiful life. It can come into your world unexpected and without expectations, and as quickly as the eight seconds a brain dies without oxygen it can cripples ones heart with excruciating pain. 
To be loved is one of the greatest experiences and gifts of life. I can only hope that before the oxygen levels deplete in my vessels and my life begins to slowly fade that I have loved you. I hope that I have given "my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain (Robert N. Test)" and I have been able to renew the lives of others with the gift of hope and life. Until that day comes I pray I have had the wonderful opportunity to not only know you, but openly and outwardly love you out loud.Until we meet again my friend live life to the fullest in the crazy world that we are blessed to experience and yet cursed to suffer in.

"Coinnionn na Flathis na mairbh dhilse"

Real vs. World

Real vs. World

Who are you?

Lost my best friend the day before

A few weeks ago my life dramatically came to a screeching halt on a Saturday morning at 1:07am when yet again the cold blooded, heart stopping, continuous ring of my cell phone went off. I was so disoriented and confused that the next few sentences said through tears by Lorie seemed like a blur, and just a really bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. Unfortunately it wasn't a dream and I was actually living it. 
The following two weeks were literally like living in an inescapable hell. I thought a few years ago I had reached the maximum limit of exhaustion, anguish, and emotion when I lost several of my friends to yet again my worst enemy, DEATH! Undeniably I was wrong. In the next two weeks that followed that phone call, I reached an entirely new level of exhaustion and emotion that I can't even begin to explain or find adjectives to adequately describe what it was like. Exhaustion, emotions, hurt, anger, confusion, loss, sadness, brokenness, shattered, numbness, and complete surrender do not even come close to what I was and still am experiencing. 

Working off the anger in hopes of a different emotion, all with a smile on.

A week before that life changing phone call I watched my best friend drive away and out of my world, and I stood in an empty driveway hurting right then and there. What I didn't realize was the pain of loss in that moment was going to feel like a needle prick on my finger compared to the amputation of losing my number one fan in my life. Some people are not close with their grandparents, other are somewhat, and then there is me and my granddad. WE had an unexplainable, unbreakable special bond that was so evident strangers could see it a mile away. There has never been a day or moment in my life that I had to question whether or not he loved me, valued me, or was proud of me. My worth and existence to him was priceless and I KNEW IT! What I didn't know was the tight hug he gave me the Friday morning before Easter was going to be the last, and that his story was soon coming to an end. I was completely clueless that I would have to begin a new chapter of my life without him starting, April 15, 2015. 

Just a couple of hours after
 my granddads funeral/celebration of life

The irony to that date was while many of you were frantically rushing around trying to file the last minute paperwork for your taxes, checking on your friends via social media, or updating a pseudo status to make people in this world think everything is great, it wasn't. The reality and truth probably wasn't even close to that and my reality was devastating. 
My biggest weakness and strength is that I am a strong individual who can hide emotion and reality, conforming to what social media and the world expect of me. I feel as though we are all guilty to some degree of this, and get so lost or caught up in what we are expected to be that we lose site of how to feel, or who we should be. Even now the emotions of anger, sadness, happiness, and numbness come when random fluttering thoughts of my granddad race through my mind or I just need to pick up the phone and call him. 
The problem I have faced and experience is that in those moments there is no one there or they are so quick to "console" by telling us not to cry, not to be sad, not to be angry, not to experience emotion that we quickly put a thick wall up. Ladies and gentlemen the reality is that life hurts, and if we are expected to be Jesus with skin on then we better be willing to be real and translucent.  The world is so quick to judge and require invulnerable conformity that we as a society lack depth, vulnerability, and uniqueness. 
It is so much easier to just say, " I'm good" or hear someone say that, than it is to truly get involved in their mess and truly deal with life right along side them. To stand next to someone and hurt along side them requires an amount of depth, vulnerability, and realness that we struggle to achieve as individuals, but live with satisfaction and self gratitude of excuses. We tell ourselves hey you were kind and considerate enough to even ask someone how they are today or how their day was, *high five to self* and you give yourself a pat on the back, when the reality is you wouldn't have actually been willing to walk through life with them and take the time to listen had they truly opened up to you. 
The shortest verse in the Bible is, "Jesus wept" and yet a powerful impacting statement. The next time you log onto social media don't assume the pictures or status updates disclose the truth about someone, or when you post a status, ask yourself if it is reality. So when the time comes and someone ask you how you are, be honest with detail and the next time you ask someone how they are, be willing to get involved in their mess. Don't accept "I'm good" for a quality and qualified response, but show them that you truly do care. 

I had just wiped my tears away before that shot

Be real, not of this world! 

What are you carrying around?

Regret Nothing, but Hope for Everything

It seems as life moves vastly forward spinning out of control getting lost and not knowing the way home we some how continue to pickup just one more thing, one more piece of luggage as we recklessly stumble towards what we hope to call greatness or contentment. The irony though is God didn't call us to live a life of contentment or greatness. He simply asked us to live a simple life loving him, not asking us to take the perfect step into the finish line. So as you sit and reevaluate your life and the baggage you carry, reveal the truth of baggage, toxic relationships, personal flaws, and all areas that reek havoc on ones soul without pointing screaming fingers of "YOU CAUSED IT," but learning how to graciously forgive.
One of the hardest things in life is learning how to obtain and maintain humility. Recognizing we are all torn, broken, flawed, and scared with hurt. The hurts of others are inflicted upon us daily, because those who are hurting, hurt people. It is a vicious cycle that can only be stopped with grace, humility, and forgiveness. Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us to "Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind on to another, tenderhearted, FORGIVING one another, even as Christ forgave you."  So at some point you have to step up and make the choice to stop making excuses for yours and others actions and just humble yourself to the fact that we are all broken and filled with scars that tell a beautiful story of forgiving and overcoming. As you sit and ask yourself what do you need to stop holding onto remember one thing, there is always a season in life and you are not always meant to continue to water the seed in someone else's world. God has someone else to walk along side you, just as he has someone else to walk along those who continue to hurt.
Stop holding a grudge and start imitating Christ by forgiving others, just as he forgave and continues to forgive over and over and over again. Choose to live by faith and not by judgement.

Where my feet may fail me

The days of solitude cease to exist as we are confronted and conformed to a vastly technological society. An email here, a text there, a social media post on this, that, and the other continue to consume our world. It as if we practically lack the ability to even look up from the screen to acknowledge the life that is sitting right before us. The irony to all of this is that "the best moments of our lives are not the passive receptive, relaxing times," but the fully engaged, one hundred percent taxing of all self energy. Just when we reach the empty tank, society pushes us to run off of the fumes until we fall victim to the burnout point. Timothy Kanold states, "But those moments cannot be sustained without intentional disengagement to avoid" such points. Then where do we go and how does one get to the peaceful disengagement when your feet fail to be placed one in front of another?
II Timothy 2:22,23 tells us to "flee also youthful lusts, but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife." He continues further to say that we must not fight among one another, but to be gentle extending mercy and grace with patience and humility. In order to live a balanced life filled with disengagement and full of energy we must be willing to pursue both an internal and external balance that leaves no excuse for mediocrity. Accepting the truth that it is okay to say NO, and "adjust other commitments and life goals as new passions and pursuits take root." 
Life is to fragile to fall into conformity, but rather into the pursuit of humility, righteousness, and happiness. "The world will not devote itself to making you happy. If you wait for outside circumstances to change, you fall prey to the plague of if onlys (T. Kanold)." When the waves crash before us and the waters become dangerously to deep, we mustn't rest at that moment, but fight until the storm has calmed. Living by faith that the time for rest will come when you feel as though your external limbs have failed you in all aspects of life. Keep heart and hold onto the truth that the spirit will lead you to the end of the borders and in the places you have yet to wander because you were called here for a purpose, to take notice, look up from the screen and not to live in mediocrity and conformity.