19lbs. of vulnerability

"It's Not What Happens To You That Determines How Far You Will Go In Life;

It Is How You Handle What Happens To You." Zig Ziglar

For most of us we rejoice when we see a pound or two shed from the scale or have a party when we have achieved our next weight goal. For me 19lbs. represents an absolute life change and season of struggle. For the past ten months I have lived on a life changing roller coaster that unfortunately has become "norm" for me.
Every morning I have to pep talk myself into getting out of bed to begin a day filled with job searching. Like several individuals I have become one classified in the unemployed status, not by choice. Unlike the majority due to layoffs or let goes, I make up a small percentage of those who had a MAJOR life change due to someone else's actions. I remember the car slamming into mine, the explosion of what felt like a bomb, and the agonizing pain in my jaw at that very instant. From that moment forward I do not remember the majority of the next three months of my life and everything up to a point is extremely hazy. What I do know is, life changed. The team of doctors deemed it medically necessary for me to leave work for several weeks. This medical decision required me become a ghost to a team that I loved dearly, forced my administration into a position of privacy, and left my athletes and parents with no form of understanding. Upon my return I was still faced with the inability to utilize my mouth properly or have full range of motion which made me unable to coach properly. By the grace of God I worked for an amazing district and faculty that rallied together through the stressful short notice to fill the gaps my absence had left and lead my team onward.
As months passed and the pain became a norm, the mind began to heal and thoughts were finally an intricate part of my day. I was beginning to make coherent thoughts and decisions. I was still lost in this great big world, losing weight daily, and trying to figure it all out. I celebrated though the ability to remember my name, where I lived or my address, where I put my keys last, what I taught for the day, who I interacted with, or whether or not I had eaten that day.
The healing of my brain was the original priority, but once we had reached a safe stage the team of medical professionals moved onto the next part of my body. My jaw, which had taken a backseat was finally the priority and we quickly made surgical arrangements. Living eight months with a bilateral dislocated jaw had been a painful challenge, but I had survived. This procedure was not cheap, along with all of the others I had endured, it too was not covered by insurance. All medical treatment to date have been costly and straight out of my personal pocket.  I am not here to write a pity party novel, but to encourage you to, ENDURE!
On July 13, I had maxillofacial mandibular bilateral jaw surgery. This runs a close first with one of the most expensive and painful procedures I have ever endured thus far. The rehabilitation is definitely the longest I have every trekked through at this point in my life. I have lived 8 months with liquid only, add on another 3 months post surgery and then an introduction into soft solids soon.
The past two and a half months have been some of the most challenging I have ever endured with the inability to provide nutrition through anything but a straw pretty much, unemployment, a new marriage, financial struggles, and well life. I wouldn't change the 19lbs. I have lost or the season of struggle for the world. It is not easy by any means of the word. In fact it is extremely HARD! I have spent many sleepless, tear filled nights questioning God and my purpose/existence.
Here is the reality, I can focus on the struggles which I wrote above or I can choose to wipe the tears from my eyes and see the gifts and opportunities God has given me. In the past ten months I have met an astounding team of doctors who have become more than just medical professionals. Each one of these individuals has chosen to be vulnerable and open up to me with there life and asked to be a part of mine. I have married a god fearing man who has stood by my side and continues to love me through the entire mess. I have been able to stay the night at the hospital with my dear friend Matt as we both endure different battles but fight to have our lives back. I was blessed with the opportunity to take my friend, who is battling cancer, to move their child into the last college apartment ever and I have had conversations with people whom I never would have encountered had it not been for this. With my medical leave and unemployment I have been able to help an office in need of temporary part time staffing out, endure a struggle, and both happily and angrily seek the Lord more than I think I ever have before in my life.
Although this has been one of the most devastating loss of 19lbs. of my life, it has also been one of the most healthy 19lbs. of my life. I encourage you daily to seek God's purpose diligently and to hold onto Psalm 46:10 promise to "Be Still, and know that I am God." The reality is life isn't easy, in fact IT IS REALLY HARD! But you and I both mean something extremely special to someone and bring light into a world of darkness. Don't give up, but keep fighting.  As pastor Brian L. of Life Church says, "Say no to cope and YES to hope!." What are your 19lbs. of vulnerability and how will you handle it?

THE DELAY

The suitcase wheels are screaming to reach their destinations as the silky voice resonates through the terminals and you keep walking by. It's funny how life feels like it's flying by so fast and yet here I am just sitting still. In a strum of a guitar or a delayed flight, life can turn on a quick dime. So embrace the moment and let time stand still. Do something worth telling a story about because in a flash of light your life could become a memory. So dance in the rain or sing on stage in ATX airport with Payton Nicole, whatever it is you choose to do don't live a life that is a story untold.
Last night we came from all directions and states to unify as the core "bro night" group and stand by your bed side to take on life's fight with you. You were resting and looked so peaceful. I watched as my brothers hearts shattered into a puddle of tears and clinched jaws refused to show emotions as I stood in between both of them, hand in hand looking down at you I knew in that moment time was standing still. The hands on the clock reassured me and I knew in that moment you were going to fight like hell to pull through.
My eyes are heavy, the floor is cold but in a few moments I will be on the shore watching the sunset over a still calm seas. I will add to my 48 hours sleepless life story with a smile and the music of the waves telling me to hold on for just one more show. Don't save your applause for the grand finale, but bask in the still small moments worth giving a standing ovation for they might be the last performance you will see.

The STRENGTH behind the deceptive smile

As I sit here observing the photos before me, thoughts racing through my mind of the days ahead I am perplexed. To you these are beautiful photos filled with happy, full of life, flawless young ladies with no care in the world. Your assumption and perceptions are based on what you allow yourself to believe, and that is that we are 100% happy. The longest two feet in the entire world is that between your heart and your head. You see whatever your heart allows you to believe and that my friend is that these still shots depict our everyday story. You assume we wake and our bodies are ready to presume the american dream, there are silent commonalities between every lady. It is graced by warmth and a glow that hides itself well. The only way you would even know is if we dared to tell, but that is where the secret of strength lies beyond the porcelain white smiles.
The day has arrived and the results are in, you feel invincible and then the words crash off the doctors tongue like a wave in a hurricane. You're caught off guard, quickly questioning all that life is and will be. You feel betrayed, abandoned, and regretfully alone. How could this be happening to me? I am only in my twenties with a hole life to run and be free. Your friends, family, and coworkers are supportive, but do not understand. You wished you had someone to hold your hair back, but you manage with simply a rubber band. The days ahead are filled with test, questions, and procedures that you dread. But everyday you wake up and eventually pull yourself out of bed. For the time being you are externally flawless, but internally you are wasting away. The blue cocktail the doctor has prescribed makes you weak and sick on the inside. Night after night you befriend the porcelain god and day after day you feel your body slowly withering away. The make up no longer hides the black bags under your eyes, and your clothes are swallowing you whole because you can't figure out your size. As the weight falls off, your appearance begins to change and then comes the procedures where you learn to hide all of the pain. Needles to the chest, arms, stomach, back, legs, or anywhere the doctors sees best is how it begins, but never how it ends. The razor blades cut away pieces of flesh and you sit in silence praying to God that they pass the test. Soon after your body and appearance have been scarred and transformed.You don't feel normal, lovely, or even you anymore.

Melanoma cancer has a way of altering your body, mind, and soul. This disease creeps into your world and tries to wreak havoc in every part of your life. You find yourself fearful of going out in the sun, and then soon going out period for fear it will only get worse. Then one day you wake up, smile, and say bring on the world. Everyday is a personal test of perseverance and resilience. We smile even when we are in pain. We smile on the days when you feel like you have been hit by a truck. We smile knowing that under the band aid another flawless piece of us has been cut away. We smile through the physical transformation. Most importantly we smile just being thankful we have made to another day. To you it is just a scar, but to us it means we have fought and made it this far. So when the moment comes to freeze frame time and a picture captures one of our smiles, understand there is endurance of pain if you look closely in our eyes. But more importantly there is  indescribable STRENGTH to humbly carry on. Our appearance and hearts are flawlessly imperfect, and perfectly flawed. Please do not judge one on a smile, that can deceive us all.