Unintentionally Uninvited

Over the past few months I have witnessed others and personally experienced the emotional turmoil uninvited/forgotten can feel like. This was something I was all to familiar with when I was younger and assumed it would change as a transitioned into other stages of life. What I have found is now that I am older I'm to old for a certain age group, I'm still too young for another age group, I am now married which means I don't fit into the singles group, I have a child so I don't fit into the without child group, I have a toddler so I have yet to fit into certain mom groups, I am involved in this activity or volunteer on that night so I don't belong to the right small groups, and the list goes on. Here is the reality though, I don't fit into any group because I wasn't born to fit in. Although it is still uncomfortable and still hurts, the concept hadn't occurred to me until I took a break from social media to truly focus on myself, heal from the recent hurts, and repair some of the broken that I realized this. 

The hurt wont go away, the lack of invitations wont cease, the fake friends still wont show up, the real friends will still be dealing with their own crazy chaos and their own struggles in life, and the "community" that is so heavily preached upon will still be so self and circular involved they wont see you standing outside the circle. All that to say it's ok though, because you are left with two choices. You can shut down or show up. Which will you choose? The reality is you and I have been on both sides of the nasty uninvited saga. We have accidentally not invited someone to an event or gathering. We have not done the best job of reaching out to our friends or acquaintances, and we have at some point at least once in our lives failed to show up for someone when they really needed it. The most popular and famous of the famous have at one point or another felt the hurt of being left out or alone too. 

So the question is how do we stop it? We don't remove ourselves from the outside world and wall ourselves up. Instead we submerge ourselves into others. We choose to show up even when that requires more energy than we feel we can muster. We dig in and reach out to others. We create the invitations and hope to not forget anyone! We choose to humble ourselves to put our hurts, our differences, and our pasts aside in order to optimize the opportunity. In life there are no easy ways out, but merely optimization and wisdom. 

The next time you feel you didn't fit in or weren't invited I encourage you to look at the picture on instagram, the tagged people on facebook, the hashtag on twitter and then pick up the phone and call those not included in the ladies group post, the couples group post, the church group post, the mom group post, the friend group post, the whatever group or event it may be and create one in that moment. Again why would you want to fit in, when you were born to stand out (Dr. Seuss)? 

19lbs. of vulnerability

"It's Not What Happens To You That Determines How Far You Will Go In Life;

It Is How You Handle What Happens To You." Zig Ziglar

For most of us we rejoice when we see a pound or two shed from the scale or have a party when we have achieved our next weight goal. For me 19lbs. represents an absolute life change and season of struggle. For the past ten months I have lived on a life changing roller coaster that unfortunately has become "norm" for me.
Every morning I have to pep talk myself into getting out of bed to begin a day filled with job searching. Like several individuals I have become one classified in the unemployed status, not by choice. Unlike the majority due to layoffs or let goes, I make up a small percentage of those who had a MAJOR life change due to someone else's actions. I remember the car slamming into mine, the explosion of what felt like a bomb, and the agonizing pain in my jaw at that very instant. From that moment forward I do not remember the majority of the next three months of my life and everything up to a point is extremely hazy. What I do know is, life changed. The team of doctors deemed it medically necessary for me to leave work for several weeks. This medical decision required me become a ghost to a team that I loved dearly, forced my administration into a position of privacy, and left my athletes and parents with no form of understanding. Upon my return I was still faced with the inability to utilize my mouth properly or have full range of motion which made me unable to coach properly. By the grace of God I worked for an amazing district and faculty that rallied together through the stressful short notice to fill the gaps my absence had left and lead my team onward.
As months passed and the pain became a norm, the mind began to heal and thoughts were finally an intricate part of my day. I was beginning to make coherent thoughts and decisions. I was still lost in this great big world, losing weight daily, and trying to figure it all out. I celebrated though the ability to remember my name, where I lived or my address, where I put my keys last, what I taught for the day, who I interacted with, or whether or not I had eaten that day.
The healing of my brain was the original priority, but once we had reached a safe stage the team of medical professionals moved onto the next part of my body. My jaw, which had taken a backseat was finally the priority and we quickly made surgical arrangements. Living eight months with a bilateral dislocated jaw had been a painful challenge, but I had survived. This procedure was not cheap, along with all of the others I had endured, it too was not covered by insurance. All medical treatment to date have been costly and straight out of my personal pocket.  I am not here to write a pity party novel, but to encourage you to, ENDURE!
On July 13, I had maxillofacial mandibular bilateral jaw surgery. This runs a close first with one of the most expensive and painful procedures I have ever endured thus far. The rehabilitation is definitely the longest I have every trekked through at this point in my life. I have lived 8 months with liquid only, add on another 3 months post surgery and then an introduction into soft solids soon.
The past two and a half months have been some of the most challenging I have ever endured with the inability to provide nutrition through anything but a straw pretty much, unemployment, a new marriage, financial struggles, and well life. I wouldn't change the 19lbs. I have lost or the season of struggle for the world. It is not easy by any means of the word. In fact it is extremely HARD! I have spent many sleepless, tear filled nights questioning God and my purpose/existence.
Here is the reality, I can focus on the struggles which I wrote above or I can choose to wipe the tears from my eyes and see the gifts and opportunities God has given me. In the past ten months I have met an astounding team of doctors who have become more than just medical professionals. Each one of these individuals has chosen to be vulnerable and open up to me with there life and asked to be a part of mine. I have married a god fearing man who has stood by my side and continues to love me through the entire mess. I have been able to stay the night at the hospital with my dear friend Matt as we both endure different battles but fight to have our lives back. I was blessed with the opportunity to take my friend, who is battling cancer, to move their child into the last college apartment ever and I have had conversations with people whom I never would have encountered had it not been for this. With my medical leave and unemployment I have been able to help an office in need of temporary part time staffing out, endure a struggle, and both happily and angrily seek the Lord more than I think I ever have before in my life.
Although this has been one of the most devastating loss of 19lbs. of my life, it has also been one of the most healthy 19lbs. of my life. I encourage you daily to seek God's purpose diligently and to hold onto Psalm 46:10 promise to "Be Still, and know that I am God." The reality is life isn't easy, in fact IT IS REALLY HARD! But you and I both mean something extremely special to someone and bring light into a world of darkness. Don't give up, but keep fighting.  As pastor Brian L. of Life Church says, "Say no to cope and YES to hope!." What are your 19lbs. of vulnerability and how will you handle it?

THE DELAY

The suitcase wheels are screaming to reach their destinations as the silky voice resonates through the terminals and you keep walking by. It's funny how life feels like it's flying by so fast and yet here I am just sitting still. In a strum of a guitar or a delayed flight, life can turn on a quick dime. So embrace the moment and let time stand still. Do something worth telling a story about because in a flash of light your life could become a memory. So dance in the rain or sing on stage in ATX airport with Payton Nicole, whatever it is you choose to do don't live a life that is a story untold.
Last night we came from all directions and states to unify as the core "bro night" group and stand by your bed side to take on life's fight with you. You were resting and looked so peaceful. I watched as my brothers hearts shattered into a puddle of tears and clinched jaws refused to show emotions as I stood in between both of them, hand in hand looking down at you I knew in that moment time was standing still. The hands on the clock reassured me and I knew in that moment you were going to fight like hell to pull through.
My eyes are heavy, the floor is cold but in a few moments I will be on the shore watching the sunset over a still calm seas. I will add to my 48 hours sleepless life story with a smile and the music of the waves telling me to hold on for just one more show. Don't save your applause for the grand finale, but bask in the still small moments worth giving a standing ovation for they might be the last performance you will see.

The STRENGTH behind the deceptive smile

As I sit here observing the photos before me, thoughts racing through my mind of the days ahead I am perplexed. To you these are beautiful photos filled with happy, full of life, flawless young ladies with no care in the world. Your assumption and perceptions are based on what you allow yourself to believe, and that is that we are 100% happy. The longest two feet in the entire world is that between your heart and your head. You see whatever your heart allows you to believe and that my friend is that these still shots depict our everyday story. You assume we wake and our bodies are ready to presume the american dream, there are silent commonalities between every lady. It is graced by warmth and a glow that hides itself well. The only way you would even know is if we dared to tell, but that is where the secret of strength lies beyond the porcelain white smiles.
The day has arrived and the results are in, you feel invincible and then the words crash off the doctors tongue like a wave in a hurricane. You're caught off guard, quickly questioning all that life is and will be. You feel betrayed, abandoned, and regretfully alone. How could this be happening to me? I am only in my twenties with a hole life to run and be free. Your friends, family, and coworkers are supportive, but do not understand. You wished you had someone to hold your hair back, but you manage with simply a rubber band. The days ahead are filled with test, questions, and procedures that you dread. But everyday you wake up and eventually pull yourself out of bed. For the time being you are externally flawless, but internally you are wasting away. The blue cocktail the doctor has prescribed makes you weak and sick on the inside. Night after night you befriend the porcelain god and day after day you feel your body slowly withering away. The make up no longer hides the black bags under your eyes, and your clothes are swallowing you whole because you can't figure out your size. As the weight falls off, your appearance begins to change and then comes the procedures where you learn to hide all of the pain. Needles to the chest, arms, stomach, back, legs, or anywhere the doctors sees best is how it begins, but never how it ends. The razor blades cut away pieces of flesh and you sit in silence praying to God that they pass the test. Soon after your body and appearance have been scarred and transformed.You don't feel normal, lovely, or even you anymore.

Melanoma cancer has a way of altering your body, mind, and soul. This disease creeps into your world and tries to wreak havoc in every part of your life. You find yourself fearful of going out in the sun, and then soon going out period for fear it will only get worse. Then one day you wake up, smile, and say bring on the world. Everyday is a personal test of perseverance and resilience. We smile even when we are in pain. We smile on the days when you feel like you have been hit by a truck. We smile knowing that under the band aid another flawless piece of us has been cut away. We smile through the physical transformation. Most importantly we smile just being thankful we have made to another day. To you it is just a scar, but to us it means we have fought and made it this far. So when the moment comes to freeze frame time and a picture captures one of our smiles, understand there is endurance of pain if you look closely in our eyes. But more importantly there is  indescribable STRENGTH to humbly carry on. Our appearance and hearts are flawlessly imperfect, and perfectly flawed. Please do not judge one on a smile, that can deceive us all.   

Single vs. Settled

I started writing this blog several weeks ago, but for some reason something felt like it was missing so I abandoned ship on it. Over the past 24hrs. one of my all time favorite Florida Gators, now NFL QB, and great role model has been placed in the lime light yet again for his integrity, character, and faith. While many sit back and indulge in cynical conversations, I merely continue to be a fan and applaud him for his character and loyalty. By now I am sure you are wondering if you are reading a blog that has substance or merely a  letter of appreciation to Tim Tebow, the answer is both. 

Over the past couple of months I have been asked the million dollar question, "why aren't you married yet?" Or better yet encountered statements like, "I can't believe you aren't taken," "I just can't get over the fact you aren't married and don't have kids," "you're amazing and unique how is it possible you are single," and the list continues to spiral quickly. I just stand there in bewilderment quickly trying to think of a polite way to respond to such a ludicrous question or statement without coming off as a hypocritical, judgmental, stuck up snob. In the world we live in today it is considered rare and weird for a 29yr. female to be attractive, successful, and single evidently. It is even more mind blowing for people to believe that you have the ability to be a model, athlete, selfless, nice, and independent all while still valuing your self-worth and integrity. 
After days of thinking about these questions and being encouraged by the young ladies I mentor, the answer came! It isn't that I am single, it is merely the fact I am not settled. I am not so caught up in the norms of this world to conform into an individual I wasn't fearfully and wonderfully created to be. I have an amazing relationship and an incarnate love with someone who loves every broken, imperfect piece of me enough to show me just how wonderful I am and just exactly how much my worth is. I would be lying if I said I don't get lonely sometimes, but I would rather embrace this season of life than another. 
I would rather be single, than the abused and neglected wife lying on the cold tile as the black tears make their way to the puddle collecting below. I would rather be single, than the girl who struggles with self esteem, value, and worth because she chose to date someone who refused to provide mental, physical, and spiritual security and most importantly I would rather be single, than give up my morals and beliefs. I have watched several friends marry and divorce over the years and the one thing every single one of them give me as advice is, a relationship should be built on a foundation in Christ. 
By no means am I perfect, I am one of the closest people to imperfect as they come. I have spent many years repairing and remolding myself into a lady with strength to stick up for what I believe in. Every tear I have cried, moment I have asked "what's wrong with me?" and degrading "compliments" I have received have been worth it. Each time I have been turned down for a date, not invited to the party, or just flat out been made fun of only makes the RIGHT time just that much more meaningful and special. To actively wait for someone to write love on my spirit and heart instead of my body is worth every second, especially when you think in terms of forever as opposed to four minutes. 
So the next time you feel the need to ask someone why he/she is single, state the obvious to them, or make fun of them, maybe instead you should congratulate them for not conforming to the norm or settling for society's sake. Merely look them in the eyes and say, " thank you for being the influence, and not the influenced." Thank you for representing single versus settled.

People Always Leave

As I lay lifeless on the couch, dreading the 5am alarm to go off and having to give myself a pep talk just to put my feet on the ground, I am not embraced with satisfaction. The past several years have been hard, the past few months have been hell, and the past few days have been hurtful. The alarm screams at me to get up, get up and face the world, but the weight of my body is more than I can physically lift. I lay there in the cold silence praying for strength to just put my feet on the floor and face the day ahead of me with a smile. I pray for my cold heart, aching stomach, and lonely soul to remember and see the good in the world, but most of all I pray for myself to forgive and for those who have come into my world and chosen to walk out of it that each experiences God's grace and happiness.
Finally with only minutes to get ready I gain enough strength to drag myself off of the couch and face the day. The circumstances and stresses I am already aware I will take on for the day are overwhelming and I feel as if there is no where to turn. I try to remember the good, find the positive, and understand that the reality is this life is hard, but my spirit isn't satisfied with that. I begin to put on the make up desperately trying to disguise the lines that will give away my secret of sleepless nights and wear bigger shirts so no one will notice the pounds that have been drastically lost.
In a split second I am "all put together" on the outside and yet completely destroyed on the inside. This journey of life that I had planned out in my head so many years ago never had so many side notes and story endings in it. The unexpected journey of loss of loved ones, loss of relationships, loss of friendships, and loss of self had never once come to mind or been written in my book of life.
Crying out to God to give me guidance, direction, and strength I realized the constant in my life, people always leave but he is always by my side.
Questioning all thoughts, purpose, value, and worth I continued on with my daily routine, coach, teach, answer emails, plan for the next lesson, grade papers, console a hurting child, answer parents complaints, go to this meeting and that meeting with myself "all put together." The entire time I still question the sole purpose of this lonely life and how you can be surrounded by so many people and yet still absolutely alone. I came home to an empty house and began to pray again for strength and guidance to face yet another routine day, the uncharted territory we call a journey. As I lay in bed at an hour that is far to early for even dinner, trying to pep talk myself into accomplishing the millions of things I didn't check off of the to do list physical weakness and internal struggle is still in the midst.
What is wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? Why do people leave? When will this loneliness go away? Why am I empty? What is this purpose? and the thoughts continue to spiral out of control. The next thing I knew were the comforting words coming from the Psalms. "The Lord watches over you, the Lord is your shade at your right hand" Ps. 121:5 with a note written next to the verse, when you feel alone, He is by your side.
It was written plain as day before me. When you feel alone, HE is by your side. That was it, those were the words I needed to hold onto and remember. The simple phrase, "He is by your side" was the hope and strength to face one more day knowing I have a purpose. 
When the world walks out on you and the walls cave in around you just remember that People Always Leave, but He is always by your side. The uncharted journey is never easy and when you feel like you are losing all grasp and foothold just lift your eyes up knowing He is by your side guiding your footpath every step of the way. God is in control and always in the middle of the storm. He is by your side and giving you the strength to take on the world with just one more step.

We are Barrow's, We are Cousins, and WE ARE STRONG

Heaven claimed another one of ours today and we are left on this earth with broken hearts that haven't even had the time to mend from the past claims. Although emotions are indescribable at this moment and no one wishes them on their worst enemy, there is one thing we have in common. We are cousins and we get it together, unfortunately. 

We have stood together at a very young age saying our goodbyes to one of our very own, we have fought through the emotions, the little town stigma and stereotypes, the trials and the triumphs together. We have gotten ourselves into trouble together, gotten ourselves out of trouble together, and have always somehow felt one another's pains. 

For most people "family" means mom, dad, siblings, and occasionally the grandparents. For the Barrow's, "Family" means mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, multitude of cousins, friends, and half the town all gathering together to celebrate whatever the occasion may be. Family is something very valued, cherished, and close nit.  

We aren't your stereotypical family, because we have all not only grown up together, we all have three things in common that create a noticeable separation from the crowd when encountered by others. The first is, we all have Barrow running through our veins. To be a Barrow means you face the world head on without fear and you fight like there is no tomorrow to always stay ahead of the other guy. To be a Barrow means you have an unexplainable strength in a time when most would buckle and fall to their knees to cry. To be a Barrow means you will always work hard, never quit, and never give up on someone else. You are expected to have courage in a time when all seems lost and be positive, encouraging, and selfless until the end. 

But not only are we all Barrow's, we are cousins. We are Barrow cousins which means, if you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us. It also means that we walk along side one another through every season in life. We are the wings to one another's flight, the calm to each other's storm, and the hope when one of us is lost and hopeless. 

Throughout these years we have spent more time together saying goodbye to loved ones, rather than saying hello to new memories.  Somehow through God's grace and strength all of us have managed  to find the strength to carry on when our worlds were crashing in all around us. The lyrics from Casting Crown's song Just be Held have become more than just words being sang for us, but have become an anthem to our daily routines. 

"Hold it all together, 

Everybody needs you strong. 

But life hits you out of nowhere 

and barely leaves you holding on. 

And when you're tired of fighting,

 chained by your control,

 there's freedom in surrender,

Lay it down and let it go. 

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away,

You're not along, stop holding on and just be held.

YOUR WORLD'S NOT FALLING APART, IT'S FALLING INTO PLACE,

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held."

So as we embark on yet another moment in life together, wishing we didn't have to travel this road, we all know that we wont be doing it alone because we are Barrow's, we are Cousins, and WE ARE ALWAYS STRONG TOGETHER. 

Ps. 46:10