The STRENGTH behind the deceptive smile

As I sit here observing the photos before me, thoughts racing through my mind of the days ahead I am perplexed. To you these are beautiful photos filled with happy, full of life, flawless young ladies with no care in the world. Your assumption and perceptions are based on what you allow yourself to believe, and that is that we are 100% happy. The longest two feet in the entire world is that between your heart and your head. You see whatever your heart allows you to believe and that my friend is that these still shots depict our everyday story. You assume we wake and our bodies are ready to presume the american dream, there are silent commonalities between every lady. It is graced by warmth and a glow that hides itself well. The only way you would even know is if we dared to tell, but that is where the secret of strength lies beyond the porcelain white smiles.
The day has arrived and the results are in, you feel invincible and then the words crash off the doctors tongue like a wave in a hurricane. You're caught off guard, quickly questioning all that life is and will be. You feel betrayed, abandoned, and regretfully alone. How could this be happening to me? I am only in my twenties with a hole life to run and be free. Your friends, family, and coworkers are supportive, but do not understand. You wished you had someone to hold your hair back, but you manage with simply a rubber band. The days ahead are filled with test, questions, and procedures that you dread. But everyday you wake up and eventually pull yourself out of bed. For the time being you are externally flawless, but internally you are wasting away. The blue cocktail the doctor has prescribed makes you weak and sick on the inside. Night after night you befriend the porcelain god and day after day you feel your body slowly withering away. The make up no longer hides the black bags under your eyes, and your clothes are swallowing you whole because you can't figure out your size. As the weight falls off, your appearance begins to change and then comes the procedures where you learn to hide all of the pain. Needles to the chest, arms, stomach, back, legs, or anywhere the doctors sees best is how it begins, but never how it ends. The razor blades cut away pieces of flesh and you sit in silence praying to God that they pass the test. Soon after your body and appearance have been scarred and transformed.You don't feel normal, lovely, or even you anymore.

Melanoma cancer has a way of altering your body, mind, and soul. This disease creeps into your world and tries to wreak havoc in every part of your life. You find yourself fearful of going out in the sun, and then soon going out period for fear it will only get worse. Then one day you wake up, smile, and say bring on the world. Everyday is a personal test of perseverance and resilience. We smile even when we are in pain. We smile on the days when you feel like you have been hit by a truck. We smile knowing that under the band aid another flawless piece of us has been cut away. We smile through the physical transformation. Most importantly we smile just being thankful we have made to another day. To you it is just a scar, but to us it means we have fought and made it this far. So when the moment comes to freeze frame time and a picture captures one of our smiles, understand there is endurance of pain if you look closely in our eyes. But more importantly there is  indescribable STRENGTH to humbly carry on. Our appearance and hearts are flawlessly imperfect, and perfectly flawed. Please do not judge one on a smile, that can deceive us all.   

Single vs. Settled

I started writing this blog several weeks ago, but for some reason something felt like it was missing so I abandoned ship on it. Over the past 24hrs. one of my all time favorite Florida Gators, now NFL QB, and great role model has been placed in the lime light yet again for his integrity, character, and faith. While many sit back and indulge in cynical conversations, I merely continue to be a fan and applaud him for his character and loyalty. By now I am sure you are wondering if you are reading a blog that has substance or merely a  letter of appreciation to Tim Tebow, the answer is both. 

Over the past couple of months I have been asked the million dollar question, "why aren't you married yet?" Or better yet encountered statements like, "I can't believe you aren't taken," "I just can't get over the fact you aren't married and don't have kids," "you're amazing and unique how is it possible you are single," and the list continues to spiral quickly. I just stand there in bewilderment quickly trying to think of a polite way to respond to such a ludicrous question or statement without coming off as a hypocritical, judgmental, stuck up snob. In the world we live in today it is considered rare and weird for a 29yr. female to be attractive, successful, and single evidently. It is even more mind blowing for people to believe that you have the ability to be a model, athlete, selfless, nice, and independent all while still valuing your self-worth and integrity. 
After days of thinking about these questions and being encouraged by the young ladies I mentor, the answer came! It isn't that I am single, it is merely the fact I am not settled. I am not so caught up in the norms of this world to conform into an individual I wasn't fearfully and wonderfully created to be. I have an amazing relationship and an incarnate love with someone who loves every broken, imperfect piece of me enough to show me just how wonderful I am and just exactly how much my worth is. I would be lying if I said I don't get lonely sometimes, but I would rather embrace this season of life than another. 
I would rather be single, than the abused and neglected wife lying on the cold tile as the black tears make their way to the puddle collecting below. I would rather be single, than the girl who struggles with self esteem, value, and worth because she chose to date someone who refused to provide mental, physical, and spiritual security and most importantly I would rather be single, than give up my morals and beliefs. I have watched several friends marry and divorce over the years and the one thing every single one of them give me as advice is, a relationship should be built on a foundation in Christ. 
By no means am I perfect, I am one of the closest people to imperfect as they come. I have spent many years repairing and remolding myself into a lady with strength to stick up for what I believe in. Every tear I have cried, moment I have asked "what's wrong with me?" and degrading "compliments" I have received have been worth it. Each time I have been turned down for a date, not invited to the party, or just flat out been made fun of only makes the RIGHT time just that much more meaningful and special. To actively wait for someone to write love on my spirit and heart instead of my body is worth every second, especially when you think in terms of forever as opposed to four minutes. 
So the next time you feel the need to ask someone why he/she is single, state the obvious to them, or make fun of them, maybe instead you should congratulate them for not conforming to the norm or settling for society's sake. Merely look them in the eyes and say, " thank you for being the influence, and not the influenced." Thank you for representing single versus settled.

People Always Leave

As I lay lifeless on the couch, dreading the 5am alarm to go off and having to give myself a pep talk just to put my feet on the ground, I am not embraced with satisfaction. The past several years have been hard, the past few months have been hell, and the past few days have been hurtful. The alarm screams at me to get up, get up and face the world, but the weight of my body is more than I can physically lift. I lay there in the cold silence praying for strength to just put my feet on the floor and face the day ahead of me with a smile. I pray for my cold heart, aching stomach, and lonely soul to remember and see the good in the world, but most of all I pray for myself to forgive and for those who have come into my world and chosen to walk out of it that each experiences God's grace and happiness.
Finally with only minutes to get ready I gain enough strength to drag myself off of the couch and face the day. The circumstances and stresses I am already aware I will take on for the day are overwhelming and I feel as if there is no where to turn. I try to remember the good, find the positive, and understand that the reality is this life is hard, but my spirit isn't satisfied with that. I begin to put on the make up desperately trying to disguise the lines that will give away my secret of sleepless nights and wear bigger shirts so no one will notice the pounds that have been drastically lost.
In a split second I am "all put together" on the outside and yet completely destroyed on the inside. This journey of life that I had planned out in my head so many years ago never had so many side notes and story endings in it. The unexpected journey of loss of loved ones, loss of relationships, loss of friendships, and loss of self had never once come to mind or been written in my book of life.
Crying out to God to give me guidance, direction, and strength I realized the constant in my life, people always leave but he is always by my side.
Questioning all thoughts, purpose, value, and worth I continued on with my daily routine, coach, teach, answer emails, plan for the next lesson, grade papers, console a hurting child, answer parents complaints, go to this meeting and that meeting with myself "all put together." The entire time I still question the sole purpose of this lonely life and how you can be surrounded by so many people and yet still absolutely alone. I came home to an empty house and began to pray again for strength and guidance to face yet another routine day, the uncharted territory we call a journey. As I lay in bed at an hour that is far to early for even dinner, trying to pep talk myself into accomplishing the millions of things I didn't check off of the to do list physical weakness and internal struggle is still in the midst.
What is wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? Why do people leave? When will this loneliness go away? Why am I empty? What is this purpose? and the thoughts continue to spiral out of control. The next thing I knew were the comforting words coming from the Psalms. "The Lord watches over you, the Lord is your shade at your right hand" Ps. 121:5 with a note written next to the verse, when you feel alone, He is by your side.
It was written plain as day before me. When you feel alone, HE is by your side. That was it, those were the words I needed to hold onto and remember. The simple phrase, "He is by your side" was the hope and strength to face one more day knowing I have a purpose. 
When the world walks out on you and the walls cave in around you just remember that People Always Leave, but He is always by your side. The uncharted journey is never easy and when you feel like you are losing all grasp and foothold just lift your eyes up knowing He is by your side guiding your footpath every step of the way. God is in control and always in the middle of the storm. He is by your side and giving you the strength to take on the world with just one more step.

We are Barrow's, We are Cousins, and WE ARE STRONG

Heaven claimed another one of ours today and we are left on this earth with broken hearts that haven't even had the time to mend from the past claims. Although emotions are indescribable at this moment and no one wishes them on their worst enemy, there is one thing we have in common. We are cousins and we get it together, unfortunately. 

We have stood together at a very young age saying our goodbyes to one of our very own, we have fought through the emotions, the little town stigma and stereotypes, the trials and the triumphs together. We have gotten ourselves into trouble together, gotten ourselves out of trouble together, and have always somehow felt one another's pains. 

For most people "family" means mom, dad, siblings, and occasionally the grandparents. For the Barrow's, "Family" means mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, multitude of cousins, friends, and half the town all gathering together to celebrate whatever the occasion may be. Family is something very valued, cherished, and close nit.  

We aren't your stereotypical family, because we have all not only grown up together, we all have three things in common that create a noticeable separation from the crowd when encountered by others. The first is, we all have Barrow running through our veins. To be a Barrow means you face the world head on without fear and you fight like there is no tomorrow to always stay ahead of the other guy. To be a Barrow means you have an unexplainable strength in a time when most would buckle and fall to their knees to cry. To be a Barrow means you will always work hard, never quit, and never give up on someone else. You are expected to have courage in a time when all seems lost and be positive, encouraging, and selfless until the end. 

But not only are we all Barrow's, we are cousins. We are Barrow cousins which means, if you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us. It also means that we walk along side one another through every season in life. We are the wings to one another's flight, the calm to each other's storm, and the hope when one of us is lost and hopeless. 

Throughout these years we have spent more time together saying goodbye to loved ones, rather than saying hello to new memories.  Somehow through God's grace and strength all of us have managed  to find the strength to carry on when our worlds were crashing in all around us. The lyrics from Casting Crown's song Just be Held have become more than just words being sang for us, but have become an anthem to our daily routines. 

"Hold it all together, 

Everybody needs you strong. 

But life hits you out of nowhere 

and barely leaves you holding on. 

And when you're tired of fighting,

 chained by your control,

 there's freedom in surrender,

Lay it down and let it go. 

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away,

You're not along, stop holding on and just be held.

YOUR WORLD'S NOT FALLING APART, IT'S FALLING INTO PLACE,

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held."

So as we embark on yet another moment in life together, wishing we didn't have to travel this road, we all know that we wont be doing it alone because we are Barrow's, we are Cousins, and WE ARE ALWAYS STRONG TOGETHER. 

Ps. 46:10

To Let Love In

I let your love in, I have the scar
I felt the razor against my heart
I thought we were both in all the way
But you caught it by the handle
And I caught it by the blade

You said "goodbye, it's not the end
And if you need me, I'm still your friend"
Well, that's easy for you to say
Cause you caught it by the handle
And I caught it by the blade 
(ashley monroe the blade)

As many of you know I am a teacher, coach, mentor, and mother to the masses. Over the last week I have spent countless hours not only in thoughts of my own world, but in the lives of several beautiful young ladies who struggle with insecurities and societal deemed inadequacies. This world we live in today is cruel and filled with so many unfair and unjust rulings that it is hard to stay a float when the water level is rapidly rising with one bad situation after the next. 

As I sat in thought of my past, I was overwhelmed with thankfulness for all of the different tantalizing, gut wrenching, heart breaking, life shattering moments I have encountered at a young age. 

Now let me explain, several of the things I have seen or encountered in my life I would never pray for any human being to endure. The thing about it though is I am quickly reminded as I wipe tears out of her eyes that he makes beauty out of ashes. Although I can't take the pain out of the girl's heart who has to see the boy who force-ably took her innocence away, walk freely through the halls of school, "because there is nothing more we can do," the emptiness from the girl who was told she was loved and the right one only to be replaced by someone else, the scars from the abusive words screamed at her, the shame from the single teenage soon to be mother, the emotion of worthless from the girl whose parents only remind her that she wasn't planned and is just an expense, or the loneliness for the one who has nothing left to come home to, I can be an ear to listen and shoulder to cry on. I will be the complete patience and understanding that they need at that season in life.

So as we stood in the Texas heat on the sun beaten black top, I listened. I listened to the pain through her eyes and held her close through her tears. I am not sure what made her gravitate towards me and know that I was one to confide in, but I am glad she did. In that moment I was able to share my story. A story of trials that have resulted in triumphs. I was able to walk through her story with confidence knowing that the words of encouragement were going to be just what she needed to hear, because they were words I too once needed. There are people in this world who are fortunate to have never had to experience loss of love and life changing, heart wrenching tragedies in life. There are people who go through something everyday with hopes and prayers to never see the sun again, and then there are people who make a choice to change their direction because they know the scars are merely beautiful evidence of life. 

Letting love in takes more courage and vulnerability then almost anything on this earth. It requires an individual to lay it all on the line and say to someone, "here is the most precious thing I have; my heart. This organ that provides this body with life, I am willing to trust you with it." Somewhere along the journey of life people forget just how fragile and vital a person's heart is and it becomes damaged. The beauty in that damage is that there is nothing that cannot be pieced back together, because you and I were made with purpose. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made..." Psalm 139:13,14 states so eloquently. God knew what he was doing when he breathed the breath of life into Adam and gave you lungs filled with air waiting to exhale with words of encouragement and life. I know the blade is cold and the heart is frail, but don't let someone else's bad choices control your life's decisions. Instead let your scars tell a story and be the strength that someone else will need when you begin to show them their true beauty from the pile of ashes. Most importantly never forget to let love reign within the ashes.

SWEETLY BROKEN

As I was riding in the truck last night listening to a sermon over tempting thoughts versus immoral thoughts I was stuck in this moment filled with questions and a wandering mind. I got home and opened my Bible only find that I was going to become more confused and filled with more questions. The night moved forward without fault and my mind continued to process topics about temptation, morality vs. immorality, right from wrong, and just life in general.
This morning I got up opened my Bible back up to Philippians to re-read the chapter in hopes for answers. As I skimmed over the black and white words I became annoyed by the tantalizing evidence of lack of knowledge or inability to see the answers. I closed my Bible out of frustration and went to take a shower. While I was in the shower Jeremy Riddle's Sweetly Broken voice softly sang Sweetly Broken through my phones speakers and it hit me. No matter how smart you feel you are or how much you feel you deserve to know the answer right then and there, it will always be in God's timing. 
I didn't think much more about it and continued on with my day of work ahead of me as the lyrics to the song twirled around in my head like a broken record. "SWEETLY BROKEN, WHOLLY SURRENDERED" is such a simple phrase and yet extremely powerful. Until you come to a point in your life that you are completely face down, at the end of your rope in complete surrender to God there will always be a moment of doubt, question, insecurity, lack of humility, and inability to fully let go of the control of life. 
I plopped my Bible onto the kitchen table to re-read Philippians again in hopes of clarification. When I looked down the book had open to Acts 4:23 which is discussing a believers prayer and sharing your possessions with others because we are in one heart and community. To the side of the page I had written a reference. The reference written out to the side was Philippians 2:3-4 "then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."
So as I processed the questions, lyrics, and verses it all came clear. Just when you think it's ok to question someones actions or your own, make sure you have completely humbled yourself to understand we are all suffering and everything in life is situational. Be sure to approach situations and topics with grace and love. You and I are both the same, one in unity who are sweetly broken, but redeemed by an undeserving grace and incarnate love. 

"To the cross I look, to the cross I cling

Of its suffering I do drink

Of its work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed

Showed that God is love

And God is just

Chorus:

At the cross You beckon me

You draw me gently to my knees, and I am

Lost for words, so lost in love,

I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life

Have I been given

Through Christ crucified

You've called me out of death

You've called me into life

And I was under Your wrath

Now through the cross I'm reconciled 

Chorus:

In awe of the cross I must confess

How wondrous Your redeeming love and

How great is Your faithfulness"

Sutures

The past couple of days have been very weird for me and definitely a struggle. I have been experiencing a lot of loneliness and anxiety, plus the struggle of acceptance and physical appearance which has then only led to sadness and frustration.

A few weeks ago I had to have precancerous biopsies done on my body which left me in pain and physically transformed. The large chunks of my body missing reminded me of all the imperfections that exist in my life and though to most this procedure was just removal of skin cells, for me it was so much more.  

As the needle pierced through my delicate skin, I could feel the serum rush inward. Lidocaine filled the local areas that had been marked as "DAMAGED" and began to numb my body.The lack of sensation and emotion seemed all to familiar and I quickly realized this was about to be a full on internal war of emotions for me. The doctor came in and said a few words including, "you wont even feel a thing." I thought to myself you're right, this is all coming back as too familiar. As the cold razor blade began to shave and carve away pieces of my body I regressed to a dark area I had battled with for so many years, that area being numbness to this cruel world and invisibility to the world.  

A couple weeks later the cell phone vibrated in my hand with a 512 number popping up across the screen last Thursday afternoon. A lady's voice echoed through the speaker as she asked for "Ms. Ramsey?" The next few moments are like a knot that is impossible to untangle, but the one thing she said that I heard loud and clear was, "the results have come back positive." After that last word, I am not really sure in what order things were said, but somewhere along the lines of explaining what my pathology reports read and scheduling surgery for Tuesday occurred. 

I had just overcome the struggles and insecurities of having four areas of my body carved away, only to now soon be having part of my bicep cut open and out of me. I stood in the middle of Lowes doing what I do best in moments like this, PUSHING FORWARD and working. One of my biggest strengths and weaknesses is that I have mastered the art of shutting off emotions and becoming completely numb in hard times. This personality characteristic is a strength that enables me to always push through, but a crippling weakness to encourage false realities. 

Over the past couple of weeks and even days I have gone back and forth with the vain character imperfections and scars leave one with and the humility and testimonies that can also be created from the flawlessly imperfect appearance. It wasn't until yesterday that I fully became appreciative of sutures and dip that is now in my right bicep. When I came across this verse, "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. John 15:2." 

This verse spoke volumes to me! My body is slowly being pruned and transformed not only outwardly, but also internally. As the transformation of my physical appearance is taking place before my eyes, I am also experiencing a change of heart and how to always give God control and know that he has everything under control. Now instead of thinking how unworthy or ugly I am when I look down and see the scar on my stomach, the missing piece of my forearm, the scar on my back, or the sutures and dip in my bicep I just smile and think to myself, "wow I can't wait to tell the awesome story of  a competitor who took on life and overcame once again. 

Scars are not the ugly imperfections from life, but the intertwined words on a page that lead to a story worth telling. Each scar is like a puzzle piece that came at the right time and fits intermittently with other parts of this puzzle we are putting together called life. A portion of me has been pruned or taken away, but what I have gained is priceless because acknowledging the authenticity of real beauty is just that, priceless.

So as my day comes to an end I will leave you with this quote by Paula Finn, "greet each day with your eyes open to beauty, your mind open to change, and your heart open to love."