People Always Leave

As I lay lifeless on the couch, dreading the 5am alarm to go off and having to give myself a pep talk just to put my feet on the ground, I am not embraced with satisfaction. The past several years have been hard, the past few months have been hell, and the past few days have been hurtful. The alarm screams at me to get up, get up and face the world, but the weight of my body is more than I can physically lift. I lay there in the cold silence praying for strength to just put my feet on the floor and face the day ahead of me with a smile. I pray for my cold heart, aching stomach, and lonely soul to remember and see the good in the world, but most of all I pray for myself to forgive and for those who have come into my world and chosen to walk out of it that each experiences God's grace and happiness.
Finally with only minutes to get ready I gain enough strength to drag myself off of the couch and face the day. The circumstances and stresses I am already aware I will take on for the day are overwhelming and I feel as if there is no where to turn. I try to remember the good, find the positive, and understand that the reality is this life is hard, but my spirit isn't satisfied with that. I begin to put on the make up desperately trying to disguise the lines that will give away my secret of sleepless nights and wear bigger shirts so no one will notice the pounds that have been drastically lost.
In a split second I am "all put together" on the outside and yet completely destroyed on the inside. This journey of life that I had planned out in my head so many years ago never had so many side notes and story endings in it. The unexpected journey of loss of loved ones, loss of relationships, loss of friendships, and loss of self had never once come to mind or been written in my book of life.
Crying out to God to give me guidance, direction, and strength I realized the constant in my life, people always leave but he is always by my side.
Questioning all thoughts, purpose, value, and worth I continued on with my daily routine, coach, teach, answer emails, plan for the next lesson, grade papers, console a hurting child, answer parents complaints, go to this meeting and that meeting with myself "all put together." The entire time I still question the sole purpose of this lonely life and how you can be surrounded by so many people and yet still absolutely alone. I came home to an empty house and began to pray again for strength and guidance to face yet another routine day, the uncharted territory we call a journey. As I lay in bed at an hour that is far to early for even dinner, trying to pep talk myself into accomplishing the millions of things I didn't check off of the to do list physical weakness and internal struggle is still in the midst.
What is wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? Why do people leave? When will this loneliness go away? Why am I empty? What is this purpose? and the thoughts continue to spiral out of control. The next thing I knew were the comforting words coming from the Psalms. "The Lord watches over you, the Lord is your shade at your right hand" Ps. 121:5 with a note written next to the verse, when you feel alone, He is by your side.
It was written plain as day before me. When you feel alone, HE is by your side. That was it, those were the words I needed to hold onto and remember. The simple phrase, "He is by your side" was the hope and strength to face one more day knowing I have a purpose. 
When the world walks out on you and the walls cave in around you just remember that People Always Leave, but He is always by your side. The uncharted journey is never easy and when you feel like you are losing all grasp and foothold just lift your eyes up knowing He is by your side guiding your footpath every step of the way. God is in control and always in the middle of the storm. He is by your side and giving you the strength to take on the world with just one more step.

We are Barrow's, We are Cousins, and WE ARE STRONG

Heaven claimed another one of ours today and we are left on this earth with broken hearts that haven't even had the time to mend from the past claims. Although emotions are indescribable at this moment and no one wishes them on their worst enemy, there is one thing we have in common. We are cousins and we get it together, unfortunately. 

We have stood together at a very young age saying our goodbyes to one of our very own, we have fought through the emotions, the little town stigma and stereotypes, the trials and the triumphs together. We have gotten ourselves into trouble together, gotten ourselves out of trouble together, and have always somehow felt one another's pains. 

For most people "family" means mom, dad, siblings, and occasionally the grandparents. For the Barrow's, "Family" means mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, multitude of cousins, friends, and half the town all gathering together to celebrate whatever the occasion may be. Family is something very valued, cherished, and close nit.  

We aren't your stereotypical family, because we have all not only grown up together, we all have three things in common that create a noticeable separation from the crowd when encountered by others. The first is, we all have Barrow running through our veins. To be a Barrow means you face the world head on without fear and you fight like there is no tomorrow to always stay ahead of the other guy. To be a Barrow means you have an unexplainable strength in a time when most would buckle and fall to their knees to cry. To be a Barrow means you will always work hard, never quit, and never give up on someone else. You are expected to have courage in a time when all seems lost and be positive, encouraging, and selfless until the end. 

But not only are we all Barrow's, we are cousins. We are Barrow cousins which means, if you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us. It also means that we walk along side one another through every season in life. We are the wings to one another's flight, the calm to each other's storm, and the hope when one of us is lost and hopeless. 

Throughout these years we have spent more time together saying goodbye to loved ones, rather than saying hello to new memories.  Somehow through God's grace and strength all of us have managed  to find the strength to carry on when our worlds were crashing in all around us. The lyrics from Casting Crown's song Just be Held have become more than just words being sang for us, but have become an anthem to our daily routines. 

"Hold it all together, 

Everybody needs you strong. 

But life hits you out of nowhere 

and barely leaves you holding on. 

And when you're tired of fighting,

 chained by your control,

 there's freedom in surrender,

Lay it down and let it go. 

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away,

You're not along, stop holding on and just be held.

YOUR WORLD'S NOT FALLING APART, IT'S FALLING INTO PLACE,

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held."

So as we embark on yet another moment in life together, wishing we didn't have to travel this road, we all know that we wont be doing it alone because we are Barrow's, we are Cousins, and WE ARE ALWAYS STRONG TOGETHER. 

Ps. 46:10