The past couple of days have been very weird for me and definitely a struggle. I have been experiencing a lot of loneliness and anxiety, plus the struggle of acceptance and physical appearance which has then only led to sadness and frustration.
A few weeks ago I had to have precancerous biopsies done on my body which left me in pain and physically transformed. The large chunks of my body missing reminded me of all the imperfections that exist in my life and though to most this procedure was just removal of skin cells, for me it was so much more.
As the needle pierced through my delicate skin, I could feel the serum rush inward. Lidocaine filled the local areas that had been marked as "DAMAGED" and began to numb my body.The lack of sensation and emotion seemed all to familiar and I quickly realized this was about to be a full on internal war of emotions for me. The doctor came in and said a few words including, "you wont even feel a thing." I thought to myself you're right, this is all coming back as too familiar. As the cold razor blade began to shave and carve away pieces of my body I regressed to a dark area I had battled with for so many years, that area being numbness to this cruel world and invisibility to the world.
A couple weeks later the cell phone vibrated in my hand with a 512 number popping up across the screen last Thursday afternoon. A lady's voice echoed through the speaker as she asked for "Ms. Ramsey?" The next few moments are like a knot that is impossible to untangle, but the one thing she said that I heard loud and clear was, "the results have come back positive." After that last word, I am not really sure in what order things were said, but somewhere along the lines of explaining what my pathology reports read and scheduling surgery for Tuesday occurred.
I had just overcome the struggles and insecurities of having four areas of my body carved away, only to now soon be having part of my bicep cut open and out of me. I stood in the middle of Lowes doing what I do best in moments like this, PUSHING FORWARD and working. One of my biggest strengths and weaknesses is that I have mastered the art of shutting off emotions and becoming completely numb in hard times. This personality characteristic is a strength that enables me to always push through, but a crippling weakness to encourage false realities.
This verse spoke volumes to me! My body is slowly being pruned and transformed not only outwardly, but also internally. As the transformation of my physical appearance is taking place before my eyes, I am also experiencing a change of heart and how to always give God control and know that he has everything under control. Now instead of thinking how unworthy or ugly I am when I look down and see the scar on my stomach, the missing piece of my forearm, the scar on my back, or the sutures and dip in my bicep I just smile and think to myself, "wow I can't wait to tell the awesome story of a competitor who took on life and overcame once again.
Scars are not the ugly imperfections from life, but the intertwined words on a page that lead to a story worth telling. Each scar is like a puzzle piece that came at the right time and fits intermittently with other parts of this puzzle we are putting together called life. A portion of me has been pruned or taken away, but what I have gained is priceless because acknowledging the authenticity of real beauty is just that, priceless.
So as my day comes to an end I will leave you with this quote by Paula Finn, "greet each day with your eyes open to beauty, your mind open to change, and your heart open to love."
